The Kitchen Hand
By Michelle Pitman
When the kitchenhand went on strike - because the director would not buy
a bottle of detergent - the whole movie project ground to a halt.
Romans 12:1-8 ĎOne body, many membersí
Sundry assistants fussing over him. (optional)
Len the Assistant.
DIRECTOR: READY? O.K. People. Scene 25 Take 44 ACT....
ASSISTANT: Ah! Sir!
DIRECTOR: WHAT NOW?
ASSISTANT: The kitchen hand is on strike!
DIRECTOR: WHAT FOR?
ASSISTANT: Ah! He says we donít buy good quality detergent!
DIRECTOR: WHAT DOES HE THINK - ARE WE MADE OF MONEY?
ASSISTANT: Aah! 400 Million Sir!
DIRECTOR: Then why the blue doesnít someone else wash the dishes?
ASSISTANT: They all have their OWN jobs to do Sir!
DIRECTOR: O.K.! So the dishes can wait. READY? SCENE....
ASSISTANT: Aah! Sir!
DIRECTOR: WHAT IS IT NOW?
ASSISTANT: You said that yesterday and the day before that and
the day before that and...
DIRECTOR: GET TO THE POINT WILSON!
ASSISTANT: The namesí Len Sir. It means that weíve run
out of dishes and....and...
ASSISTANT: Lunch has been cancelled today Sir.
DIRECTOR: WHAT! WHERE ARE THE COOKS?
ASSISTANT: Aah! Theyíre on strike....
DIRECTOR: WHAT FOR?
ASSISTANT: They wonít cook without clean dishes!
DIRECTOR: THEN GET THEM SOME!
ASSISTANT: I...erÖcanít Sir.
ASSISTANT: The Kitchen hand is on strike!
DIRECTOR: Then go out and buy more dishes!
ASSISTANT: I canít Sir! The Petty Cash Officer is on Strike!
ASSISTANT: She says she wonít do any more receipts until she
gets some food in her belly. Sheís suffers from low blood sugar Sir,
and gets lightheaded then feels all dizzy and disorientated and.......
DIRECTOR: THEN GET HER SOME FOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
ASSISTANT: I canít Sir... The Cooks are on strike!
DIRECTOR: Then get the guy on camera one to shout her a meal!
ASSISTANT: Aahh! Heís on strike too Sir....
DIRECTOR: AAAAGGGHHH! I donít know if I want to hear this!
ASSISTANT: He spent all his own money buying rolls of film this
morning and hasnít been reimbursed by the Petty Cash Officer. Heís
DIRECTOR: And the lead actor wonít help I suppose...
ASSISTANT: Well! Heís on strike too. You see, he loaned
his coat to the girl on camera two who then loaned it to the guy on camera
one in exchange for a role of film. Heís given it to the Gaffer who
canít get it dry cleaned until the dry cleaners are paid by the Accounts
department and theyíre on strike because they havenít received any receipts
from the Petty Cash Officer and..... well.... you know about her...
DIRECTOR: How did all this start? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
ASSISTANT: Itís Len. Sir!
DIRECTOR: Look! I need you to fix this. If things
go on like this Iíll never get this picture made! DO SOMETHING LON!
I NEEEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING!
ASSISTANT: Yes Sir! Aah! Could I borrow $5.00
dollars for some Morning Fresh Ultra please Sir!
DIRECTOR: (Groans as he reaches for his wallet.)
ASSISTANT: Oh! And Sir! Iíll tell the Kitchen hand
how much you really appreciate him.
© Michelle Pitman 1998, all rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are
not sold for profit in any medium, nor any
entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate
being notified of when and for what
purpose the play is performed. She may be contacted at: firstname.lastname@example.org