Language of Zion

 By Pete Smithies & Andy Lund


Andy considers a change of speaking style is important now that he's a Christian.







Andy: How art thou today, then, Pete?

Pete: Eh?

Andy: I sayeth, how art thou today, o Pete?

Pete: Come again?.

Andy: Yea, verily, as it was in the beginning. How art thou today, o Pete?

Pete: Do you know, Andy, I think I must be having trouble with my ears, I thought you said...

Andy: He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.

Pete: Look, old buddy, not a lot of what I'm hearing is making much sense.

Andy: Ah that's because I am learning to talk church speak.

Pete: Oh .... what's that.

Andy: Well, if you're going to be a Christian, then you've got to talk the right lingo - stands to reason.

Pete: Now that I can understand.

Andy: Sorry. What I meaneth was, if thou must needs be a disciple then it behoves you to use the language of Zion.

Pete: So what your saying is, you need to use a different kind of talk when you're talking with the Lord?

Andy: Yea verily. The denarius hath dropped.

Pete: What? Oh yes. So you are using this kind of language because...

Andy: Because that's how Christians ought to speak.

Pete: How do you know?

Andy: A good point; I'm glad you brought that up.

Pete: So, what's the answer?

Andy: The answer to what?

Pete: How do you know that Christians have to speak in this ridiculous way.

Andy: Well ... well... because....

Pete: Yes?

Andy: Because..... because..

Pete: Mmm

Andy: Because Jesus did.

Pete: What, Jesus went about saying thee and thou and thine did he?

Andy: Yes, no doubt about it.

Pete: How do you know?

Andy. Well ... well... because it says in the Bible, doesn't it.

Pete: Not in mine.

Andy: Yea verily, in thy Holy Bible thereth a lot of thee's and verily's and so on...

Pete: Not in mine.

Andy : And thou's and wherefore's and... what do you mean not in yours?

Pete: I mean in my Bible there's no language like that. It's just plain speaking.

Andy: Ah, well. It can't be right then. Obviously not the real MCCOY.

Pete: Why?

Andy: It's been tampered with - You'll have to get yourself an original like mine...

Pete: Who wrote yours then?

Andy: King James.

Pete: Ah, that well known 1st Century English speaking Jewish sovereign?

Andy: The very same .

Pete: And it's an original?

Andy: Yea verily.

Pete: And you understand it?

Andy: I lacketh not the understanding O Pete.

Pete: So your early disciples...

Andy: Spaketh thus.

Pete: And that's the only way to understand what the Bible says?

Andy: Spotteth on.

Pete: You must be very wise then?

Andy: Wisdom expoundeth within mine head

Pete: Well, Andy, I'm happy for Minehead - (mumbles -coz you're out of your tree, mate) .... One last thing…

Andy: Asketh what thy will.

Pete: Why did Jesus have to spend so much time - saying the same things to his disciples over and over again?

Andy: Beateth me

Pete: Yes I'd like to.

Voice: Reads 1 Cor 2 v 12




© Pete Smithies & Andy Lund 1999
All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged.
In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed.
They may be contacted at: