Wharf Rat Envy

By Glenn A. Hascall


What would happen if the crew of the Enterprise were placed in a new setting - something like a bowling alley? This humorous out-of-setting experience teaches a lesson in envy. This script has possibilities for a puppet team.


Speaking parts
CAPTAIN KURT - Overacted.
SCOTT - A smart and smart aleck side kick (Think Leonard Nimoy)
WHARF RAT - An alien life form that is a professional when it comes to bowling.
ORULA: Communications specialist with the Whataprize.
Non-speaking parts
Two actors for WHARF RAT'S team and one for CAPTAIN KURT'S


(Star Trek type theme music to start)

CAPTAIN KURT: (Initially off-stage) Our base...is a vinyl frontier. Rows and rows of stick-to-your-skin booths in the tradition of primitive 1950's ice cream parlors. Our mission is to boldly bowl where few have bowled before. We called our team the Split/strike Whataprize and had completed many successful games at bowling alleys throughout our universe. I am Wayne P. Kurt, team captain.

Arcade supplemental 2.1. First team player Scott has captured the trophy in yet another futile attempt by opponents to vanquish the What-a-prize. Some want to make a federal case out of it.

Even though Scott's ears are rather funny looking, he still has the best mind in bowling.

SCOTT: (CAPTAIN KURT, SCOTT and additional crewman walk on stage together) It's only logical Captain. Hitting the lead pin on either the left or the right will typically result in a much better showing. Should your bowling ball make a direct hit, the chances greatly increase for a phenomenon typically referred to as a split. Generally a 7/10. Although other variations are statistically possible.

CAPTAIN KURT: Fascinating. (Looks back at the audience). We had just landed in a bowling alley east of town when we encountered the Static Cling-on their home turf. We knew immediately we were facing a formidable foe when Wharf Rat and his gang of bowling hoodlums entered the field of battle.

WHARF RAT: (Walks in with teammates polishing a custom bowling ball) I'm surprised you would show your face around here, Kurt.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Looks longingly at the bowling ball and then walks forward and looks out at the audience) Having never owned my own bowling ball before, I found myself immediately subjected to a nefarious case of "Wharf Rat Envy". And we hadn't even started bowling yet.

WHARF RAT: (Looks around and walks up to Kurt) Who are you talking to?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Ignore WHARF) Nice bowling ball.

WARF RAT: Uh, thanks.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Overact) So - are - we - going - to - play - or - what?

WHARF RAT: Sure, sure. Don't overact on us here.

SCOTT: (Hold up a small instrument and whistles in a vain attempt at sound effects)

WHARF RAT: (Walks over to Scott and watches him whistle while looking at the instrument.) How do you do that?

SCOTT: (Ignores Wharf) Sensors indicate an unusual build up of envy in this quadrant.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Overact) Can you be sure, Scott? Can - any - of - us - be - sure?

WHARF RAT: (Looks at the instrument Scott is holding and asks) Could you check that thing for overacting?

SCOTT: (Walks up and looks out at the audience) It suddenly occurred to me that the Captain of our bowling league had unjustly been subjected to too many reruns of a popular television space exploration series, circa 1965.

CAPTAIN KURT: What are you saying, Scott.

SCOTT: I believe I was clear on that point, Captain.

CAPTAIN KURT: You might have been but I didn't understand a word you said.

WHARF RAT: By the way, who were you talking to?

SCOTT: (Ignores WHARF RAT) I believe it's your turn Captain.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Reaches for a ball and picks up WHARF RAT'S) You know, Wharf Rat, you do not stand a chance against the Whataprize. If you insist on continuing with this little game of yours, you will loose. Do you hear me?

WHARF RAT: (Looks around at the other players on his team) Yea, I think we heard you. Didn't you hear him? (Another team member shakes his head yes) He heard you too.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Somewhat embarrassed as he picks up a bowling ball) All right, here goes.

WHARF RAT: Excuse me Kurt, but you got my bowling ball.

CAPTAIN: (Acts surprised) Do - I? (Pause) So - I - Do! Nice polish job.

WHARF RAT: (Suspicious) Yea, how about you put that thing down and back slowly away.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Angry) What? Do you think I'm going to STEAL it or something?

WHARF RAT: (Walks up and looks at the audience) I was beginning to think that Kurt was up to no good. He had the reputation of putting up a fair fight, but I was going to keep a close eye on my polished Spalding. If you know what I mean.

(CAPTAIN KURT picks up WHARF'S ball and places it in a bowling bag)

SCOTT: Who are you in conversation with Wharf?

WHARF RAT: I don't have any idea, but I figure if you could do it, so could I.

SCOTT: Fascinating.

CAPTAIN KURT: If we're going to make the 9:30 at the Palm Frond Bowling Lawn, we've got to kick this game into warp speed, factor 9.

WHARF RAT: Nice delivery.

CAPTAIN KURT: Thank you. (Looks at his watch) Say would you look at the time, Scott, we've - got - to  - go. (Starts to walk off stage quickly with WHARF RAT'S bowling ball).

WHARF RAT: Not so fast, Captain Kurt.

CAPTAIN KURT: What is it now, Wharf Rat?

WHARF RAT: I'll give you the opportunity to give me back my bowling ball or I'll have to bring you up before the bowling federation.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Overacting) You - wouldn't - dare.

WHARF RAT: Try me.

SCOTT: I couldn't help overhearing this somewhat inopportune fracas.

WHARF RAT: With them ears, it doesn't surprise me.

CAPTAIN KURT: I'm still trying to figure out what he's saying.

WHARF RAT: Rough translation - He heard we had troubles.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Looks at SCOTT) Why can't YOU talk like that.

SCOTT: (Breaks character) Don't look at me, I didn't write these lines. Would you just give him back the ball?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Hesitates) Oh, all right, it's just that I'm tired of using whatever chipped balls we happen to find in these low rent bowling alleys.

WHARF RAT: (Sips on a glass of water and throws it on Captain Kurt unintentionally as he responds to the Captains statement) Hey, have you ever thought about goin' on a budget?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Wipes the water) Clean me up, Scott.

SCOTT: Here, let me get a napkin.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Looks out at the crowd and speaks into a pen) Arcade supplemental 2.2 - the infamous Wharf Rat turned out to have a pretty good head on his shoulders after all.

WHARF RAT: Was there any doubt?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Still speaking to the audience) As it turns out, envy is a worse enemy that Wharf Rat ever was. I am ashamed that I fell victim to its nefarious power.

WHARF RAT: Is that an apology?

CAPTAIN KURT: I'll have to get back to you on that.

SCOTT: (Walks up to the Captain) Are you finished with that pencil, I need to calculate our final tally.

WHARF RAT: What are you talking about, we didn't even get to play.

SCOTT: (Breaks character) In that case, can I buy you a Cherry Root Beer with a twist of pickle juice?

WHARF RAT: Ugh. That's disgusting. (Smiles) Kind'a reminds me of home. (Then to his friends) I don't know whether you guys heard or not, but I got a disease named after me.

SCOTT: Facinating.

(Everyone but CAPTAIN KURT walk off stage).

CAPTAIN KURT: (Takes out a flip open cell phone and opens it up, hold it up to his mouth - not in the same way as if where talking on the phone) Whataprize?

ORULA: (Off stage) Yes Captain.

CAPTAIN KURT: The bowling party apparently suffered a case of Wharf Rat Envy.

ORULA: Is every one all right.

CAPTAIN KURT: We're fine, Orula. Could you please check the database for any evidence of an anti-biotic? By the way, I'm having a hard time hearing you.

ORULA: It might help, Captain, if you put the phone up to your ear.

CAPTAIN KURT: (Puts phone to ear) Yes, I guess this is better.

ORULA: Sir, the computer shows that there was a warning issue long before today's bowling tournament.

CAPTAIN KURT: Was there a problem with the transmission?

ORULA: No. However, the warning was issued nearly two millennia ago.

CAPTAIN KURT: Is that a long time?

ORULA: Uh (pause) yea!


ORULA: This is the warning in its entirety, sir, from the Galatians quadrant, sector 5.26, "Let us not become boastful challenging one another, envying one another."

CAPTAIN KURT: (Overacting) How - could - I - have - missed - it? What's the remedy Orula?

ORULA: The same quadrant contains a preventative measure at 5.16.


ORULA: "Walk by the spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh."

CAPTAIN KURT: (Walks forward and looks out at the audience) Suddenly I knew what I had to do. I had to find Wharf Rat and ask for his forgiveness.

ORULA: Excuse me Captain, but who ARE you talking to?

CAPTAIN KURT: (Disgusted) Never mind. Captain Kurt, out. (Close phone and walks off stage in the same direction as WHARF RAT).

Fade to black

Copyright 2002 by Glenn A. Hascall & CMI Publishing.
If you use this script would you be so kind as to let us know? glenn.hascall<a>gmail.com