A monologue by Tim Evers
This comic monologue deals with the few of us who don't really enjoy going
to church on Sunday morning. When the character talks to the mimed characters,
their dialogue is written in the directions. Even though these lines are
not spoken or heard, the actor must have excellent comic timing so that
the audience may just imagine what the mimed characters are saying.
A wooden chair is at center. A hymnal and a Bible are under the chair.
(From one of the aisles, TIM is seen walking toward the stage.)
TIM: (To himself.) Just great, just great. I told her that I
didn’t feel good today. But no!
(Mocking his wife.)
“You have to go to church,” she tells me. “Your not a good example
for the kids. It’s like you’re a heathen. Plus, we have to talk to the
Reverend so he can come over for supper one night.”
(To himself again.)
Jeese, I’ve never met the reverend before, I just listen to what he
says then try my best to get out of this place.
Well, I try to listen.
(He gets up on the stage and crosses to the chair. On the way he sees
an imaginary churchgoer. Before she walks up to him.)
Oh, Mrs. Jones, please not this morning. Not this mor...
(Shaking Mrs. Jones’ hand. Forcing a smile.)
Hello, Mrs. Jones.
(“How are you this morning?”)
Oh...fair to partly cloudy. How about you?
(“Very nice thank you. Now listen, my husband and I...”
(Seeing his chair, trying to get away from her.)
(She continues to talk. He nods his head, laughs at appropriate moments.
Mrs. Jones, I’m sorry, but there is an empty bench close to the back,
my wife wanted a bench close to the back, so we could save the room in
front for all of the sinners. They really need it.
(“Well, let me go with you.”)
No, that’s okay. Just go with your husband.
(“Are you sure.”)
I’m sure I don’t need anyone to help me save a bench. Thank you.
(“You need to come over for supper one night.”)
(Using reverse psychology.)
Oh, no, you should come over to our house for supper one night.
(“That’s not necessary.”)
That’s fine, just fine.
(“Talk to you later.”)
(He gives a sigh of relief. He crosses to the chair and sits. To himself.)
(Sees his wife.)
I got us a seat nearest to the back, because I knew...you...like...it...back...here.
(Shifts his legs like his wife is squeezing past him. He watches her
Well, I thought we should just leave the seats in the fronts for those
who need to be saved.
(Sees his daughter, picks her up, and sits her on his knee.)
(“Let’s play horsy.”)
You want to play horsy?
(Bounces her on his knees. She is getting heavy for him. He breathes
a little heavily. Picks her up and sets her down.)
Go bounce on Mommy’s knees.
(He looks forward. To himself, seeing the preacher.)
Great, he’s getting up on the podium.
Hey, maybe he might to forget to...
(Stands up, reluctantly.)
(He reaches under the chair and picks up the hymnal. Leaning over to
What page did he say, hun?
(Nods. Opens the hymnal.)
(Looks down at the page in horror.)
Not “Sweet By And By”. We sang that last week.
(A musical version of “Sweet By And By” begins to play. He looks around
thinking that no one sees him.)
I’ll just mouth it.
(Turns to wife.)
But I am singing. What do you think I’m doing when I open my mouth
and words begin to come out of it?
Mumbling? Is that your best shot, because I can take you right now.
(Turns and faces front. A bit scared.)
(Looks at hymnal.)
Where are we? Oh!
...OUR SPIRIT SHALL BE NO MORE...
(The music stops. He looks around. To himself.)
Hey, we’re done.
(Putting hymnal back under chair.)
I guess I should argue with her more when we come to church.
(He sits back in the chair. Sighs.)
Now he talks, and I sleep.
(He unbuttons his suit jacket, folds his hands across his chest, leans
his head back, closes his eyes, and goes to sleep. There is a moment of
just him sitting there then...his wife jabs him in the side. He shoots
Amen, brother! Preach it!
(He sits back down.)
(“We’re in the middle of a prayer.”)
Well, why didn’t you tell me we were praying? If you did, I wouldn’t
have ended it in the middle.
(Looks up. The prayer finishes.)
(Listens for a moment. To himself.)
Yeah, yeah, come on just get on with the Sermon on the Mount, preacher.
(Nods wearily for a moment. Smiles. Preacher is at sermon. Quietly
Now, get on with the preaching.
(Smiles. Nods. He sits back in his chair again. He listens. After a
few moments, he shifts his weight in his chair. After a beat, he shifts
his weight again. To himself.)
I knew when we were at the mall the other day, I should have gotten
me some new boxers.
(Shifts weight. Finds a perfect place to sit. He listens. Rubs his
eyes. To himself.)
That reminds me, will Holyfield be fighting today?
(Shrugs. Rubs his eyes again.)
Man, I didn’t notice how tired I was. When I get back home I’m headed
straight for the bed.
(He looks forward, wearily.)
Yeah, yeah, the ark got swallowed by a giant fish, I’ve heard this
(He is clearly bored. Timidly he raises his hand. He looks kind of
embarrassed. He is acknowledged and he stands.)
Yeah, I was wondering, since I’ve heard this one before, could I go
ahead and go home?
(His wife tugs on his shirt. He sits back down. To his wife.)
I was just wondering. You act like this is a place to be reverent.
(“This is church.”)
Well, of course, it’s church. It’s not like I’m going to forget a place
that I was dragged to.
(He sighs. Looks forward. Tilts his head.)
Oh great, I have to give up my tithe.
(He reaches into his jacket and takes out his wallet. To himself, looking
through his wallet.)
That’s 10%, isn’t it? Yeah, must be.
I don’t get my paycheck till next week, so I don’t know how much 10%
will be until next Sunday.
(“Put what ever you have in the basket.”
( To wife.)
What ever I have? Well, if I get home early for the game I need money
so I can bet on it.
(“Put the money in the basket!”)
( Looks forward. Offended.)
Okay, okay, okay.
(He takes an imaginary hundred-dollar bill out of his wallet. He sighs.)
(Sighs again. To wife.)
(He gets up and crosses to down right where an imaginary bench is with
a person. To the person.)
Can you break a hundred?
(Nodding. Mumbling to himself as he crosses back to the seat.)
Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just give the church the money that I need to
feed my family with.
(The imaginary basket is passed to him. He looks down at it. To himself.)
Okay, what if I just pass the basket on and act like I put this in
(Looks around in the basket.)
Maybe there’s something in here that will break a hundred?
(Looks around and finds nothing. Sighs.)
(Looks at the hundred.)
(He places the hundred in the basket and passes the basket on. Sits
back down. To himself.)
Note to self: bring only twenty’s to church.
(He places his hands in his lap and looks forward. Suddenly his face
Oh, come on...not another song.
We already sang this morning.
(A little louder than he should.)
My throat is kind of parched!
Be quiet? They say to tell the truth, I’m telling the truth.
(Slowly, he gets up, picks up the hymnal from under the chair, opens
it, and before he begins to sing the lights fade to black.)
Copyright Tim Evers, all rights reserved.
This script may be used free, provided no entrance charge is made for the
performance. In return for free use, the author would like to be told when
it is performed. He may be contacted at TheatreBahHumbug@aol.com