By Pete Smithies & Andy Lund
Andy reckons he's now achieved his qualification for heaven.
Andy: Important day, today, Pete.
Pete: Oh yes, Andy. Very important.
Andy: Yes, important day.
Pete: Mmm.... why's that then?
Andy: Why's it an important day!?
Pete: Yes.. what's it..Independence Day in Burkino Faso? Anniversary of the discovery of cling film?
Andy: No, none of that. It's an important day for me, isn't it.
Pete: Oh, right.. ...why's that, then, Andy?
Andy: Well it's my 100th one, isn't it?
Pete: Oh right. Your 100th....... Your 100th what?
Andy: You know my 100th....
Pete: Birthday? I'm really surprised. You don't look a day over 75.
Andy: No, my 100th...
Pete: Wedding anniversary? That makes your wife 123.
Andy: No! My 100th old lady.
Pete: Oh, right, yes, of course.. What you talking about, Andy?
Andy: You know, my 100th old lady. Today I helped my 100th old lady across the road. Well, that's to say, it might not always have been different old ladies. I might have helped some of the same ones more than once..
Pete: Oh, yeah, I see. You could have helped 4 ladies 25 times..
Andy: It's possible..
Pete: Or 2 ladies 50 times each..
Andy: Quite possibly, although 1 think 1 might....
Pete: Or 1 0 ladies 1 0 times..
Andy: All right! The point is..
Pete: Or 3 ladies 33.3 times...
Andy: Shut up, Pete..... anyway how do you help someone point-3 of a time? No don't worry. What I'm saying is..
Pete: Yes what you're saying is...
Andy: What I'm saying is that, to date 1 have helped 100 old ladies across the road.
Pete: Right ... did they want to go?
Andy: Of course ... well some of them. And now I've reached my quota.
Pete.. Right. What's that?
Andy: My quota.
Pete: You mean like Shakespeare? He's full of quotas, isn't he. There's your "To be or not to be"...
Andy: No, not that..
Pete: Or your, "Once more into the breach, dear friends.."
Andy: No, no. Not quote - quota...
Pete: Or "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
Andy: No..quota! Quota! It's an amount. A requisite number.
Pete: Oh, your requisite..
Andy: I've reached my required amount of help to old ladies.
Pete: Oh, right. So you've now helped 100 old ladies across the road and that is your..
Andy: Required number...
Pete: Right.. required number... your quot...
Andy: Quota. Right.
Pete: Of course.... required number for what?
Andy: Well to get into Heaven, of course. To gain entry to eternal life...
Pete: I see.
Andy: To have access to the throne of God. To inherit the Kingdom of God. To live in Paradise..
Pete: I get the point. So you reckon that now you've helped 100 old ladies across the road, you'll be in the Book of life, as it were.
Pete: Of course, there might be just a tiny little problem...
Andy: And what might that be, pray? I've been working on this for some time, you know.
Pete. How do you know that 100 is enough?
© Pete Smithies & Andy Lund 1999, All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. They may be contacted at: firstname.lastname@example.org