Mix 'n Match

 By Andy Lund


Pete's covering all his spiritual bases by following a different religion each day of the week.





Pete: (enters with bells and flowers,singing) Hare, Krishna, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Hare Rama

Andy: Morning, Peter. What's..

Pete: (Carries on singing)

Andy: Yes..Pete....Fine...Pete..just ... (shouts) Pete!

Pete: Oh sorry. Did you say something?

Andy: I've been trying to get your attention for the last 5 minutes.

Pete: Ah, that would be because of my state.

Andy: You can say that again. You're in a right state, if you ask me.

Pete: No my transcendental state. My transcendental state.

Andy: Do what? This is a bit new isn't it?

Pete: Yes...and...then again, no.

Andy: (Puzzled) Oh right. So how long has this trans.. trans.. transcontinental state been going on then?

Pete: Transcendental. Well let's see. What day is it?

Andy: Tuesday.

Pete: Well about 4 hours then. Tuesday is Hare Krishna.

Andy: Oh! ...what do you mean?

Pete: Well, my friend, had we perchance met upon a Thursday then you would have met me on my Buddhist day...but as it is (sings) Hare Krishna...(etc)

Andy: Yes...quite. OK Leave it out. So are you telling me that you actually change your religion half way through the week.

Pete: Oh no...

Andy: Well that's a relief. I was going to say it sounded a bit beyond belief.. if you know what I mean.

Pete: Oh no, my friend. Not half way through the week. Every day.

Andy: What?

Pete: Well you have to cover all eventualities. Leave no avenue unexplored. So Monday it's Hinduism, today Hare Krishna, Wednesday Shintoism, Thursday Buddhism, Friday night is Yoga night and at the weekend I like to indulge in a little Agnosticism.

Andy: What's that?

Pete: I don't know.

Andy: If you don't who would?

Pete: No.. no, I mean that's what agnosticism means. I don't know

Andy: Oh.

Pete: Then again, I do like a little atheism.

Andy: So you're really an atheist, then?

Pete: Only on Sundays. On Sundays I'm an atheist. Saves all that going to church and watching Songs of Praise, thank God.

Andy: Pete.. isn't it all a bit confusing...I mean doesn't all this changing every day cramp your lifestyle a bit?

Pete: Oh no, old friend. It's given me lots of new horizons. Take travel for instance.. I can choose to go to Mecca or the holy river Ganges or just try a bit of yogic flying.

Andy: What's that, like Virgin airlines then?

Pete: No, not exactly. It takes a little longer, it's tougher on the bum and you don't go as far.

Andy: Oh. So all these different religions all sort of fit together then. Like a big jigsaw. You get a bigger picture of what God is like and it all makes sense.. in the eternal scheme of things.

Pete: Er, no.

Andy: Oh?

Pete: No, on some days I have to believe in a million gods, some days no god at all.

Andy: Right!

Pete: Some days I believe rulers are gods.

Andy: Like Tony Blair?

Pete: No, more like emperors and suchlike.

Andy: Yeah.. I was going to say...

Pete: Then some days I strive for perfect peace and freedom - Nirvana - whilst on other days I have to worship the great destroyer.

Andy: Bit of a tall order then?

Pete: I'll say.

Andy: I don't know how you manage really.

Pete: Ah well.. it's a question of consulting the enlightened one, the One who Knows.

Andy: Who's that then?

Pete: I don't know. Particularly not on Sundays.

Andy: And ..where's it all leading to then, Peter?

Pete: Ah... ah.. that is a question.

Andy: Yeah, I know.. I asked it

Pete: That is indeed a question, my friend.

Andy: So what's the answer then?

Pete: I haven't the foggiest.

Andy: Why don't you ask someone who does know. Why not ask the founders of these religions. See what they say.

Pete: Yeah, well there is a slight problem.

Andy: Oh?

Pete: Yeah...they're all dead.


© Andy Lund 1999
All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. He may be contacted at: andrew.lund@ntlworld.com