The Light of the World
By Jeremy Moodey
A monologue in which a clerk at the gates of Heaven interviews a
potential (but imaginary) entrant.
Matthew 5:1-12 – the Beatitudes.
One – the clerk.
(The stage is bare apart from a rather officious looking individual
sitting behind a desk with a pen and paper. He is the clerk at the entrance
to Heaven, and he is interviewing potential candidates.)
Oi! Where do you think you’re going?
There’s one born every minute, isn’t there? You may think you’re going
to Heaven, but if you’re not on my list, you’re not getting in. Now, kindly
take a seat. (He indicates to an imaginary seat on the other side of
Thank you. Name please – or, as, I like to say, who on earth were you?
Ha ha ha!
Mr Spiritually-Proud? Double-barrelled eh? Well, we’ve got all types
in here. First name?
(Sniggers) Horace? No wonder you were in a hurry to leave! Anyway,
let’s see who I’ve got on the list (he looks at the list)….ah yes…..Spiritually-Alive,
Spiritually-High, Spiritually-Mature. Ah! Here we are. Mr Spiritually-P…..
What did you say your name was? Mr Spiritually-Proud? Oh dear. I’ve
got a Mr Spiritually-Poor on the list, but not a Mr Spiritually-Proud.
Sorry, but I can’t let you in. NEXT!
Look, I’m sorry but you’re not on my list. I’ll show you! (He shows
the list.) Spiritually-Alive, Spiritually-High, Spiritually-Mature,
Spiritually-Poor, Spiritually-Right-On, Spiritually-With-It. But no Spiritually-Proud.
Look, you may have gone to church every Sunday, you may have given
lots of money to charity. You could have all Sir Cliff’s records for all
I care. But you’re not on my list. And if you’re not on my list, you can’t
Oh, please don’t cry! Look, you’re making a puddle!
Look, calm down. I suppose I could try to get you in. The Boss has
got a bit of a soft spot for the down-trodden, the unfortunates in life.
You’ve just got to answer a few questions, OK? First of all, have you ever
mourned? Have you really wept when you’ve lost something that was dear
You cried your eyes out when Tottenham got knocked out of the FA Cup?
Well…er…what I meant was, has anything really terrible happened in your
Your wife once bought a Barry Manilow record? Well…er…perhaps we should
move on to the next question. Now, are you humble?
You’re the humblest person in the world? Er…OK…that’s not quite the
answer I was looking for, but I’ve got a got a few more questions…er, let’s
see…ah yes, what is your greatest desire?
Liz Hurley? No, no, that’s not what I meant. Isn’t your greatest desire
to do what God – I mean the Boss – wants? No? Oh dear. Look, here’s another
question. Have you ever been merciful to others?
Well, you know, really helped someone who really needed it?
You once bought a present for your mother-in-law? How nice. What was
A chair? How lovel…..(pause) but she wouldn’t let you plug it
in? Erm, look, we’re not doing very well here. Here’s another question…Are
you pure in heart? (pause) Well, given the present you gave to your
mother-in-law, probably not. Ummm…I know, have you ever worked for peace?
Ah, you once broke up a fight? How courageous! How did you do that?
You smacked both of them in the mouth! Er…Look, I’ve got one last question.
Have you ever been persecuted for doing what God requires? (Pause)
No, don’t answer that. I’m beginning to get a feel for your answers now.
Look, Mr Spiritually-Proud, I’ve tried very hard, but there really is no
way I can let you in. You may well be Spiritually-Proud, but you haven’t
got a lot to be proud of, have you? You’ll just have to…
(Phone rings. The clerk answers.)
Hello? Ah, Boss! (He suddenly stands bolt upright.) No, I was
just interviewing…a Mr Spiritually-Proud…yes, that’s the one, a hopeless
ca…oh, you know him?…he was insulted and persecuted for your sake? People
told lies about him because he stood up for you? Oh, no Boss, I was coming
to the same conclusion myself…yes, that’s it, I was just about to let him
in…thank you, Boss…have a nice day.
(He hangs up)
Well, I’ll be…Well, Mr Spiritually-Proud, the Boss thinks you’re the
bee’s knees. In other words, you’re in. Off you go then.
(He lets him in)
(With head buried in paper)
Name please? L-I-z H-u-r-l-e-y. Liz Hurley.
(He looks up)
(He falls off chair)
© Jeremy Moodey 2003, all rights reserved.
This drama may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies
are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In
exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified
of when and for what purpose the play is performed.
Contact Jeremy at j_moodey<at>hotmail.com