Hi, I’ve come to apply for the Home Mission job…
By James Houston and Chris Mooney
5 characters have very different ideas of what home mission is.
Interviewer- Basil Fawlty type character
Cleaner-(Mrs Hoopa) A very sweet old woman , a busy body.
Special Agent- (Mr Kowalski) Typical overacted special agent
Builder- (Mr Lawrence) An enthusiastic person very keen about his work.
Security Guard- (Mr Newton) Stocky, hard character. Don’t mess with him!
Young Evangelist- (Ms Betts) Laid back, chilled out.
Interviewer: (Walks to front of stage from the back of the church, turns
to back of the church) Yeah I’ve got those notes, thanks Danny (Walks to
chair and sits down, starts mumbling to himself and looks at watch) Crumbs,
right I’d better get started. Mrs Hoopa!
Mrs Hoopa: (Enters through door) Good mornin! (Sits down on chair
and gets out cloth and starts scrubbing the table) Ooh, you aint half got
some nasty stains on this ‘ere table. You should always put a mat down
when you drink your coffee.
Interviewer: Err, yes right. So Mrs Hoopa, what do you think makes
you right for the Home Mission job?
Mrs Hoopa: Well I’ve had a lot of experience cleaning houses. In fact
last week I had to clean out this right grimy dump. I used 3 bottles of
that Cif stuff, or is it Jif. Oh I cant remember they keep changing the
name don't 'ey?
Interviewer: Ok Mrs Hoopa thank you very much. We will call you if
you get the job.
Mrs Hoopa: (Gets up to leave) Thankyou my dear. Bye…(She leaves)
Interviewer: (Speaks into Dictaphone) Mrs Hoopa wrong qualifications.
Not right for the job, full stop. Mr Kokowski!
Mr Kokowski: (Crawls out from under chairs or choir stalls)
Interviewer: Err hello Mr Kokowski what do , err err what do you think
makes you right for the Home Mission job?
Mr Kokowski: Well, I have been involved in numerous hostage situations.
In fact it was just last week that we managed to get President Bush safely
out from a hostage situation. I tell you Sir, I can and will complete this
mission. I will get those people out of that house.
Interviewer: O..kkay Mr Kokowski I think you’ve got a chance. We’ll
get back to you.
Mr Kokowski: Ok, cheers, got to go (Runs out quickly)
Interviewer: Yeah a chance as big as an ice cubes in hell. Oh well,
right Mr Lawrence!
Mr Lawrence: (Peers round door) Oh me, hang on (Goes out and
drags in brick trolley) I build houses, mate.
Interviewer: (Sarcastically) Ah yes, I see that now. So Mr Lawrence,
tell me why YOU think your right for the job?
Mr Lawrence: (Starts building a house out of bricks whilst talking)
I build houses of great potential, they never fall down. The bricks are
my best friend I am like the Uri Geller of the construction trade.
I specialise in plastering, roofing, renovating, conversion, painting,
Interviewer: Ok, ok em...
Mr Lawrence: ...pebble dashing, drainage..
Interviewer: Yes but..
Mr Lawrence: I do windows as well, doors, patios...
Interviewer: Mr Lawrence, I really don't think…
Mr Lawrence: I even do…
Interviewer: (Bangs hand on the table) MR LAWRENCE!!!! You are not
right for the job I suggest you speak to secretary she needs a conservatory
Mr Lawrence: Oh cheers, mate. Remember if you ever..
Interviewer: Mr Lawrence!!!!
(Mr Lawrence leaves)
Interviewer: (Takes a large breath) Right , Mr Newton!!
Mr Newton: (Enters and sits down) Hello.
Interviewer: (Reads notes) It says here that you are a security guard.
Mr Newton: Err, yes I am.
Interviewer: So why do you think your right for the Home Mission job
Mr Newton: I can keep anyone out of any house, I know any card that
criminals might pull out their sleeve. Do you have a burglar alarm?
Interviewer: Yes, but I don't see how….
Mr Newton: Well I am a walking burglar alarm. As my boss used to say
(He looks in to the air with posture) You’re half way up a mountain, failing
is the easy path to the bottom. Success is the ….
Interviewer: Ok, ok, em, I’ll call you later if you (sneerily) have
err got to the top of the mountain. Bye!!
Mr Newton: Ok, goodbye (Gets up and walks out of the door)
Interviewer: Are we ever going to find the right person. Ok, Ms Betts.
Ms Betts: (Enters and sits down) Hi, I’ve come to apply for the Home
Interviewer; (Head in his arms) Yes, so what do you think makes you
right for the job.
Ms Betts: (To herself) Why do I think I’m right for the job? Well I’ve
been speaking to some class mates at college and work about God and Christianity
and some have started coming to church. Also…
Interviewer: (Suddenly jumps up) By Jove !! Sorry did you just
say what I think you said?
Ms Betts: What, about evangelising, You know like talking to others
about Christianity and…
Interviewer: Hallelujah!!! You’ve got the job.
Copyright James Houston and Chris Mooney, all rights reserved.
This script may be used with payment, provided no charge is made for admission
to the performance. In return the authors would like to be told of any
performance. They may be contacted at email@example.com