The Fabulous Adventures of Fred the Missionary
By Noah Christopher Leon

Summary: Two secret service agents come into contact with a missionary and learn about his boss, Jesus. Instead of torture, they come to realise the missionarys' love of Jesus. Comedy.

Scripture: James 1:2, "Consider it pure joy , my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..."

Setting: In a communist country, probably not Russia because it's not communist anymore. the time is the present.


JONES: 25 years old. A rough, tough secret agent working for his government.
CLIFF: a 20 year old Secret agent. Unlike Jones, Cliff is a follower. But he acts rough and tough anyway.
FRED: A 19 year-old Christian Missionary who is on a secret mission to smuggle bibles into the country.


[this play consists of interviews, and action. On Lights up, Jones and Cliff are sitting in chairs at the front, as if they are being interviewed. The audience would play the part of the interviewer. Read the script, you'll get the idea. Transitions between action scenes and interview scenes are going to have to be fast. Be creative about transitions. In my mind, you'd have three chairs at the down L. of the stage, for Cliff, Jones, and Fred. During interviews all the characters would be very relaxed and easygoing. The scene consists of a door in the middle, a chair on the right. The play starts off with one of these interviews in which Jones and Cliff are talking to the audience]

JONES. Well, When I first met the kid, I was an airport official at the time, I never thought I'd see him again.
CLIFF. We were both airport officials.
JONES. It was my first day, and well, he smuggled about a hundred bibles-
CLIFF. There were ninety six.
JONES. Well he smuggled them right across the border. He must've had them strapped down his arms, his legs. When we saw him again a few days later, I had been recruited for the, uh,
CLIFF. Secret police.
JONES. Yeah, the government secret services. We were government agents.
We'd been sent to nab this guy for spreading propaganda of some sort. So, being rookies, Cliff--
CLIFF. That's me
JONES. Cliff and I proceeded to the apartment where the guy was staying.
CLIFF. He's Jones. [gesturing to Jones]
JONES. Yes, thankyou Cliff. It was a routine mission, we thought. Just a normal interrogation.

[Cut to action]

JONES. Now Cliff, whaddya think it is this time? Capitalists, revolutionaries?
CLIFF. Yeah, uh, capitalists.
JONES. It's probably another chump spreading political propaganda, huh? And you know what we do with chumps, don't you Cliff?
CLIFF. Yeah! Uh, I mean, what do we do with chumps, Jones?
JONES. Well, uh, we, um--
CLIFF. We bring 'em in?
JONES. Of course! We bring 'em in for uh, um--
CLIFF. Interrogation?
JONES. Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. Now, apparently this guy is spreading some sort of propaganda, and we have to bring him in and find what it is, who he's working for, and who he is. Piece of cake.
CLIFF. No problem.
JONES. So on three... [the two prepare to burst open the door]
CLIFF. two!
JONES. Three!

[The two bust through, there are sounds of a scuffle offstage they re-enter the stage dragging an unconscious Fred. Lights come up on the other side of the stage where there is a chair. Fred gets securely tied to the chair and left. Cut to interview]

FRED. We're a bunch of missionaries, my friends and I, well, that's what we were doing at the time. We had to smuggle a bunch of bibles to the underground Church in the country. It's an exciting job, and it's all for the glory of God so I enjoyed doing it. When they caught me, Cliff and Jones that is, they weren't very nice about it, but I was able to look past that and they are actually very nice individuals once you get to know them. We hadn't regrouped with eachother, my friends and I. That's probably a good thing.
[Back to the action]
FRED. Uh, what the... Oh no, they caught me. [a bright light comes on and shines in Fred's face, interrogation style]
FRED. Uh, hello?
CLIFF. Good morning!
JONES. Shhh! Good morning sir, we're government agents, so don't try anything. No-one knows where you are, no-one can help you now.
FRED. Well, okay.
JONES. We'd like to ask you a few... Questions.
FRED. Alright.
JONES. What is your name?
FRED. I'm Fred, Fred--
JONES. Quiet! We already know.
CLIFF. Pleased to meet you.
FRED. You too.
JONES. Ah yes, and what is it you do here in this country?
FRED. Well, I'm actually a missionary.
CLIFF. A mercenary?
FRED. No, just a missionary.
JONES. Ah, and what is it a missionary does?
FRED. Well right now I'm on a mission to smuggle bibles into the country; after that...
JONES. Who do you work for? Answer carefully. If we've found you've lied...
FRED. I work for Jesus.
JONES. Ah yes, and this 'Jesus,' how much is he paying you?
FRED. Nothing
CLIFF. Nothing?
FRED. Well, actually he doesn't really deal in money.
JONES. Doesn't deal in money? then what does he deal in, diamonds? Drugs?
FRED. Jesus? Oh no, Jesus deals in Love.
JONES. [Aside to Cliff] Love?
CLIFF. It's a new currency, like the Euro.
JONES. Oh, and how much of this 'Love' is he giving you?
FRED. Jesus loves me, well, a lot. Unconditionally, really.
JONES. I see, I see. We found ninety-six of these [motions to a box, which Cliff brings over and displays], they were strapped inside your jacket. What are they?
FRED. Those? Those are bibles. New testaments really, I--
JONES. What are they? Political propaganda? A capitalist regime?
FRED. Um, no. They're books, books about God, and Jesus.
JONES. Books? Who wrote this book? Cliff, Read this book and find out about this Jesus.
CLIFF. Uh, okay. [Picks up a bible & leafs through it]
JONES. Ah, God, I know the name. Involved in subversive superstition, I believe. And this Jesus, he must work for him. Now I see, it's all starting to come together.
FRED. Well I--
JONES. You're trying to overthrow the country, admit it!
JONES. Who else is involved?
CLIFF. Jones! Look here, I found the names of this Jesus guy's agents! Strange, it doesn't say Fred here anywhere.
JONES. Aha! Now we know everything. Who are these cronies?
CLIFF. Well, it says here, Peter, Andrew, James, John--they're called the twelve dis... well it's all here!
JONES. It doesn't say Fred? They must be code names, get our expert on it at once!
CLIFF. Right away! [exits, but he looks at the bible curiously, and then sits down outside the door and begins to read]

[Cut to interview]

CLIFF. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name, I thought. When I first saw Fred, he seemed like a good guy, not the type to be involved in overthrowing the government, or spreading, uh, subversive... whatever. I looked up to Jones a lot, and I still do. He's very influential. Much smarter than I am. But, I thought, maybe he hasn't got it quite right.

[Back to action; Cliff enters]

JONES. Well?
CLIFF. We, uh, can't seem to decode the names.
JONES. Tough code?
CLIFF. Um, yeah. But, we did find out about this Jesus guy!
JONES. If that is his real name.
CLIFF. [brings out bible] Well, for one thing, we found out where he's from.
JONES. Hmm, interesting.
CLIFF. Yeah, he's from Nazareth.
JONES. Nazareth, Where's that?
CLIFF. I think it refers to an eastern province in Canada
JONES. Of course.
CLIFF. But he wasn't born there, he was actually born in Bethlehem.
JONES. B-what?
CLIFF. B.C. for short, I guess.
JONES. Oh, That explains a lot.
CLIFF. Apparently, he could do miracles!
JONES. What? Does it say where he is now? Lemme see that Cliff.
CLIFF. And he says here that God is his Father!
JONES. My goodness, You're right, it is all in here.
[Jones and Cliff gawk at the book]
JONES. This Jesus said, he and the father...
CLIFF. ...are one! [look at eachother incredulously]
JONES. That's impossible, how--
CLIFF. Look what else I found.
JONES. It says that 'Then you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free'!

[Cut to interview]

FRED. This is good, I thought, I had them reading their bibles, that made me feel like I'd done something. Now they would find out the truth, right?
[Cut back to action]
JONES. [Taking it all in] So...
CLIFF. Yeah, so...
JONES. The truth... Aha! You plan to free us from communism, is that it? With this truth?
[Long pause]
CLIFF. Jones, you know what? this job doesn't pay very well.
JONES. No jobs pay anything. We're communist.
CLIFF. I feel that the government has provided inadequate resources for me to improve my creative skills.
CLIFF. Do you have any family here?
JONES. Some distant cousins, and a sister... You?
CLIFF. Nope, not really.
JONES. Oh, well that's good to know.
CLIFF. Yes it is, isn't it?
JONES. Very nice.
CLIFF. Quite pleasant.
JONES. So if we DID want to leave the country...
CLIFF. And be free...

[Cliff and Jones look at Fred. Cut to interview]

JONES. Well, when he told us the truth, we were...
CLIFF. Disappointed.
JONES. Yes, disappointed. How were we to know that this Jesus guy had been dead for, um
CLIFF. Two thousand--
JONES. Yes, two thousand years. Well anyway, I was going to be torture for Fred, after leading us on like that.
FRED. Well, when they heard that Jesus was dead, they were... Upset.

[cut to action. Jones and cliff are upset]

JONES. Cliff, get the thaser, we got a funny-boy [A thaser is an electrified cattle prod, by the way].
FRED. No, I'm telling you, he's actually alive, he rose again, it's true! God's not dead!
JONES. Oh, and Cliff, do you have the battery?
CLIFF. Right here. [holds up a small battery]
JONES. Hmm, let's plug it into the car battery this time.
CLIFF. Right Jones.
[Jones gets his thaser and prepares to zap Fred]
JONES. Maybe you'd like to tell us who your friends are, I might change my mind.
FRED. No, I'll never--
[Jones raises thazer to zap Fred]
FRED. Okay, alright! I'll tell.
JONES. What are their names?
FRED. She-ra, um, He-man, and what's his face? Oh, Skeletor, there's Skeletor![change to suit the times]
CLIFF. Hey, I used to watch that show!
FRED. Shhh!
CLIFF. Although I was always a fan of Smurfs.
JONES. [raises tazer to Fred once more] I'll give you three seconds to tell me the truth. One...
[Cliff is thinking]
JONES. Two... [Raises tazer some more] Three...
FRED. [closes his eyes in anticipation as Jones prepares to zap him]
CLIFF. Wait, Jones!
FRED. Whew! [as Jones puts down tazer]
CLIFF. [Motions for Jones to come close, the two whisper for a while, Jones laughs and they come to some sort of agreement]
JONES. I like it!
CLIFF. Me too.
JONES. I think the boss will be pleased.

[Cut to interview]

FRED. I'm thankful that they had a change of heart--or so I thought--and they let me go. I went back to the underground church and delivered the bibles...
JONES. We followed him, and we caught all his friends. He wasn't too bright, I thought at the time.
FRED. They interrogated me, again, and all my friends, as well as the guy from the underground church. I felt stupid that I hadn't guessed they'd follow me, but you don't have to be smart to be a missionary, y'know? I don't know where it started, but...
JONES. ...after a while, watching these guys...
FRED. ...they had a change of heart. this time for real.
JONES. As we saw how devoted these guys were to their Jesus, we began to feel we were...
CLIFF. We sort of got the idea that we were...
FRED. I think they realized that they were...
EVERYONE. ...on the wrong side.
FRED. That's when they changed.
JONES. These people had freedom, even though they weren't free.
CLIFF. Jones and I got to thinking, we thought, the fact that we live in a communist country isn't so bad, if we can still have Joy, even being persecuted, like these guys.
JONES. These guys cared.
FRED. Well, they released us, which is nice.
JONES. About a week later, we lost our jobs for it.
CLIFF. We went back to being airport officials.
FRED. And now when we come through, my friends and I...
CLIFF. When we see Fred and the 'gang' at customs...
FRED. They don't check us, even though they know full well what we're up to... [holds up a bible]
JONES. We just wave them on through.
[Jones & Cliff smile and wave, lights go down and end]

Performing: This play can only be performed in a way that brings glory to God.
Copying: Print and photocopy as much as you want.
Publishing: Get my permission before publishing to paper or the internet.
Altering: Not to be altered to the extent that it takes away the christian meaning.
Email: (Email me if you use this script, I'd love to hear about it)