By Meg Cullip


A husband and wife visit with their friend Brooke and her new boyfriend. They all have expectations, which don’t necessarily match.


New Guy


(Scene opens with BROOKE setting table mumbling to herself on SR. There are two chairs SL set up side by side as in the inside of a car. A HUSBAND and WIFE are talking)

WIFE: so why do people do this to each other?

HUSBAND: do what?

WIFE: avoid the white elephants in the room…you know sugar things down.

HUSBAND: I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and say… to avoid slitting each other’s throats.

WIFE: I don’t like it, I’d prefer to plow on through, you know?

HUSBAND: oh yes.

WIFE: well I mean if you can’t be honest around your family, then what?

HUSBAND: I don’t know, my only hope is that we walk in eat some food, talk about current events, drink some wine and leave. If we can do that I consider it a happy holiday.

WIFE: oh come on were is your sense of adventure? It’s not a holiday unless we talk about…

(BROOKE and WIFE: say these things simultaneously, with different attitudes under them. BROOKE is excited; WIFE: is more acerbic about it)

BOTH: significant others. Religion. Work. Midterm elections.

(break off)

WIFE: midterm elections are my favorite, Nancy Pelosi…(guffaw)

BROOKE: God, please can we skip midterm elections this year?

HUSBAND: honey, can you please skip midterm elections this year?

WIFE: we’ll see. (beat) I wonder what the new guy is going to be like.

(NEW GUY enters)

NEW GUY: hey what are you doing?

BROOKE: running it through my head.

NEW GUY: what?

BROOKE: how it’s going to go tonight.

NEW GUY: I see, and the prognosis?

BROOKE: it’s going to go well tonight, if I have to will it myself.

WIFE: it will be one gigantic hullabaloo tonight.

HUSBAND: try and be positive, will ya?

NEW GUY: are you shooting a little high there?

BROOKE: no. Here’s how I planned it out: As far as the significant others go, they are going to love you.

WIFE: I’m a tad worried about the SO situation this year.


WIFE: significant others, you know I just can’t help but badger the new ones.

BROOKE: We will fly through religion; trust me I have no desire to touch on that one.

NEW GUY: right, who needs it, it’s Christmas.

BROOKE: I can note the verbal irony there, it’s just I have no idea what they believe you know?

NEW GUY: should be fun.

WIFE: why do we always say a blessing? Seriously, can we cut the act?

BROOKE: no one really cares about work, so that shouldn’t be a problem. That just leaves…

NEW GUY: I voted Libertarian.

BROOKE: (winces) my suggestion, keep that to yourself.

WIFE: what if he’s like, a Libertarian?

HUSBAND: the new guy?

WIFE: yeah

HUSBAND: honestly, that does not does not matter.

(the HUSBAND and WIFE pull in)

HUSBAND and WIFE: here we go (they “walk in”)

BROOKE: (startles) hey guys, you’re a little early.

(BROOKE exchanges hugs with HUSBAND and WIFE)

NEW GUY: hey, I’m… (whoever)

WIFE: nice meeting you. (shakes)

HUSBAND: hey man. (shakes)

BROOKE: well the food is pretty much ready.

WIFE: great.

BROOKE: why don’t the SOs go get the silverware, while we catch up.

GUYS: sure. (they exit temp.)

WIFE: how are ya?

BROOKE: I’m doing well.

WIFE: good. Same here. The new boyfriend is great, really, little over eager on the greeting but nonetheless he seems great.

BROOKE: can I tell you what the best gift will be this year?

WIFE: what’s that?

BROOKE: make this easy, please.

WIFE: what?

BROOKE you know what I mean.

WIFE: O come on, it wouldn’t be Christmas without a little verbal assault.

BROOKE: I’m serious.

WIFE: I’ll try, no promises though.

(guys walk in, they all sit)

BROOKE: okay so, who is going to say..

WIFE: (cuts off) not it!

NEW GUY: not it.

BROOKE: not it.

HUSBAND: what…but I don’t…

BROOKE: sorry bud, family tradition.

(WIFE shoots BROOKE a glare)

HUSBAND: how did the new guy know!?

NEW GUY: sorry dude.

(they all bow heads, WIFE: shrugs at husband)

HUSBAND: (deep breath) dear…dear God?. Thank you for giving us this night to uh…celebrate the birth of your son..Jesus…and um…thank you for the..star of Bethlehem? And we are glad..no..well thanks for sentencing him to die…not like that, on Easter. No he was raised…well thanks, amen.

ALL: amen.

NEW GUY: that was great.

BROOKE: honey.

NEW GUY: no really, reader’s digest version.

WIFE: wow. Usually people wait at least 24 hours of knowing us, before they are a complete jerk.

BROOKE: hey it’s okay, all right? Let’s just eat.

(lights down)


© MegCullip, all rights reserved. The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author. This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. She may be contacted at: culls@hotmail.com