By Randall Johnson
A woman gets useless directions rather than clear guidance when she tries to find her way to Mansion Street.
1 Peter 3:15
[A car pulls up to Joe's Filler Up Station and the driver asks if the attendant can give him directions…]
Driver: Excuse me sir, can you tell me how to get to Mansion Street?
Attendant: [playing with gas hose] Shore, m'am, I've lived here all my life. I know this town like the back of my hand [shows palm first, then turns his hand over]. Why, there's not a street in this town I don't know. What street did you say it was?
Driver: Mansion Street! Can you tell me how to get to Mansion Street?
Attendant: Yep, okay. Well, do ya see that eating establishment down there on the right? Not the Hardys, not the KFC, the other one…Maude's Home Cooking? Well, that's not where you want to turn, but when you get there you can see the granary over on the left and that's where you want to head. When you reach the granary you want to turn right. That should be Farm Avenue. Even if it isn't, it should be. Anyway, you keep going past John Adams' place, past the abandoned silo on Fred Jones' property until you come to a creek with a old rotten wood bridge over it. Now you may think you're taking your life in your hands if you try to cross it, but I guarantee that it'll hold up 3,000 pounds. How heavy is your car?
Driver: I'm not sure.
Attendant: No matter. Then you go till you reach the top of the hill and turn left, which is north. Well, really it's northwest. If you have one of those compass things in your car don't get confused if you're not going due north. I've seen people turn around and come back, look for another street that goes due north. They sometimes come all the way back here to make sure they're headin' the right direction. Ha, ha, they are, they just got too literate, you know what I mean?
Driver: Fine, fine, but am I near Mansion Street then?
Attendant: Oh, no m'am, you got a long ways to go from there. Once you get on that street that goes northwest you probably want to stop at the next gas station, cause I'm not sure the best way to get to Mansion Street from there but my cousin Jake works there and he'd be glad to tell you. He knows this town like the back of his hand [shows the palm of his hand first, then turns it over].
Driver: Well thanks so much, I feel much better about my chances of getting there now. I'll be sure to say hi to Jake for you and tell him how helpful you've been.
Attendant: Don't mention it. Come back the next time you're in town. We're always glad to serve a satisfied customer.
Copyright Randall Johnson, all rights reserved.
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