By Glenn A. Hascall
A citizen of Spartan visits with a bumbling Don Duckshearer about something that he wants to keep a secret. After a few false starts Don finds the source of the problem but forgets as Lonny becomes increasingly frustrated by a failure to communicate. An over-the-top spoof of old time detective shows that makes the point , "always be honest".
Announcer (off stage - not gender specific).
Fedora, Vintage 1940's clothing, notebook, pen, old phone, purse, paper bag (Other Props as desired) Cast can rotate around Detective Duckshearer without a lot of set design needed.
DON: It was a day similar to yesterday - only the same. Susie had baked a plate
of chocolate raisin tuna crisp cookies, the clouds gathered and the paper was
chewed to pieces by the neighbor's pit bull. The air had the smell of (Pause
and sniff) tuna and I was trying not to breath. (Hold breath making a show of
how hard it is). Since I couldn't do that I donned my fedora and made my way
to Camden Avenue and Park Terrace. Spartan is a big city and I've got a big
job to do. I'm Don Duckshearer, Private Eye.
I had just arrived at my office when the phone rang (Phone ringing sound effects - Don picks up phone) hello (Pause) you're kidding? (Pause) Really? (Pause) 50% off my long distance phone bill, eh? (Knock at the door) Oooo, gotta go. (Hangs phone up and goes to door) Yes, can I help you.
LONNY: (Gangster type) Can you's help me?
DON: Did you say ewes.
LONNY: Yeah! I hear you's a detective type and I needs you's help.
DON: I'd love to help you mister, but I don't have any sheep.
LONNY: What do sheet gotta do wid dis?
DON: You said you needed help from some female sheep.
LONNY: Na, I need you's help (Pokes him in the chest)
DON: Oh (Chuckles) My help - you need MY help.
LONNY: What? Don't you speak English?
DON: Up until a minute ago I thought I did. Why do you ask?
LONNY: Are you's gonna help me or not?
DON: And just who are you?
LONNY: Lonny Knucklecrusher.
DON: (Looks out at audience) I could tell I was going to have to stay on my toes - and hide my hands.
LONNY: I tink the Coppers are gonna try to pin something' on me.
DON: Oooo - sounds painful.
LONNY: Na - I mean they're trying to say I did something I didn't do.
DON: (Genuinely disgusted) That's horrible. The lies! Will it ever end!?
LONNY: So's anyway - I need you's to tell them I didn't do whatever they said it was that I did.
DON: And what exactly would that be?
LONNY: Dey will probably say I robbed a gas station on Hamilton Street.
DON: An upstanding thug like you? Why that's ridiculous.
LONNY: That's what I say.
DON: So did you?
LONNY: Did I what?
DON: Did you knock over the gas station?
LONNY: Of course I knocked over the gas station.
DON: (Sort of in an ah-ha kind of way) So You DID do it!
LONNY: Yea, I done it, but I need you's to say I didn't - I can pay you's in cash. (Hold up a paper bag with the words 'O'Malley's Gas' on it)
DON: How convenient. (Sort of to himself) Hmmm, what was my fee for lying through my teeth again? What a minute, I don't lie to upstanding members of the police force.
LONNY: You's gonna rat me out?
DON: (Nervous) Rat? Where? I hate rats.
LONNY: No, I mean you's gonna sing like a canary?
DON: I don't know about a canary but I'll try (Clears throat - pick an oldies song and begin crooning)
LONNY: Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself.
DON: I am? I don't feel embarrassed.
LONNY: You's are - trust me.
DON: (Looks out at audience) This guy seemed to know me better than I knew myself. (Looks back at Lonny) You did it - I know you did it - you know you did it (Points to the audience) They know you did it.
LONNY: What's your point?
DON: (Confused) Point. Hmmm, did I have a point? Ah yes, I just have two questions for you.
LONNY: Go ahead.
DON: What is the capital of Delaware and how old was Glenn Miller when he was five?
LONNY: What does that have to do with my case?
DON: (Disappointed) Nothing really, I've just always wanted to know the answers to those questions.
LONNY: Look, maybe I came to the wrong place.
DON: Oh, well maybe I can give you some directions.
LONNY: I was looking' for Don Ducksheerer, Private Eye.
DON: Oooooo, I hear he's good. (Pause) Wait a minute (Pulls out wallet - gets excited) I'm Don Duckshearer - either that or I stole his wallet. (Looks out at the audience) I was beginning to wonder if I would ever be able to unravel Lonny's story - then I wondered if I would even understand it - or if it would even be remotely interesting. Then I began to think about a chocolate raisin tuna crisp cookies and a….
LONNY: (Mildly angry) Look buster, you're looney.
DON: Amazing - could we be twins? Looney and Lonny?
LONNY: (Upset) Why I oughta…. (Regains composure) If it weren't for the fact that I need your help I'd walk right out that door, mister.
DON: Tell me what I can do to help.
LONNY: I told you once already - all you's gotta do is lie for me.
DON: Lie? Yes, I vaguely remember some thug asking me to do that recently. But Lonny, this isn't the way to go. Honesty is the best policy - always tell the truth.
LONNY: Ya know - someday I'm gonna give that a try. Really - you's can trust me.
DON: Good man, Lonny.
LONNY: So what should I do now?
DON: Have you brushed your teeth? Combed your hair? Put on a clean pair of socks?
LONNY: What does that have to do with stealing?
DON: (Looks out at the audience) I could tell this wasn't the hottest brick in the kiln - if you know what I mean. It seems he had no idea what I was talking about. (Looks back at Lonny) Honesty, you know, tell the truth, make a clean start and that unsettled feeling will go away faster than a duck at the sight of a orange vested hunter.
LONNY: Honesty, huh? What's in it for me?
DON: The satisfaction and pride of a job well done - besides God's Word says, "The Lord hates cheating, but he delights in honesty." It also says, "Good people are guided by their honesty; treacherous people are destroyed by their dishonesty." Then there's another verse that says, "The godly are directed by their honesty; the wicked fall beneath their load of sin."
LONNY: O.K. All right. I get the picture - tell the truth - O.K. you don't have to beat me over the head.
DON: Oh I am so sorry, was I beating you in the head? I didn't even realize what I was doing. I'm so ashamed…
LONNY: (Exasperated) You didn't beat me in the head - it's just a figure of speech.
DON: (Looks out at the audience - indignant) Not only was Lonny a thief and a liar but he also was little too good at making false accusations against other people.
LONNY: I heard that.
DON: (Looks around nervously) Was my mike on?
(Knock on the door - two cops come in)
LONNY: I confess - I did it - it was me. I knocked off the gas station and was ready to lie to you.
COP #1: What is he talking about?
DON: Not really sure, Mike. He's been rattling on about sheep and then he tried to convince me that we were twins.
COP # 2: So you're the one that took off with Mr. O'Malley's money.
LONNY: Yes it was me - take me away - put me in jail - throw away the key - just get me away from Mr. Ducksherrer.
COP # 1: O.K. You're coming downtown.
COP # 2: I just have two questions for you Lonny.
LONNY: What's that?
COP # 2: What's the secret of the combustion engine and who was buried in Grant's tomb.
LONNY: (Runs off stage screaming)
COP # 2: Was it something I said?
DON: Don't know for sure, but he seems to be wound a little tight - if you know what I mean.
COP #1: See you at the coffee shop?
DON: Wouldn't miss it for the world.
COP # 2: All right then, see ya soon.
DON: (Looks at the audience) It's always nice when you can help someone else out - and there's more hurt and anguish on the mean streets of Spartan and I'll be there to answer the call (Phone rings - picks it up) I'm sorry Don Duckshearer Private Eye is in the middle of a meaningful monologue right now, please leave a message and he'll get right back to you - BEEP. (Pause as he scribbles things down) How do you spell jeopardy? (Pause) Hello. Hello. Hmmm. (Hangs up the phone).
ANNOUNCER: Join us next time for more exciting adventures of Don Duckshearer - Private Eye.
Copyright 2005 Glenn A. Hascall. Should you use this script would you be so kind as to let us know oif its use? glenn.hascall<a>gmail.com