ANNOUNCER. Hey, if you’re like me, you love to collect Bible figurines! But if you’ve got a green thumb, you also love to fill your house with cheerful green plants. Why not have the best of both worlds with new Chia Bible Figurines! Collect all of them! There’s Chia Moses crossing the Red Chia Sea! Chia Isaac, Chia Jacob and the blear-eyed Chia Leah! And hey, Christmas is never too far away to order the complete Chia nativity scene! Order now!
ANNOUNCER. Bored with the same old board games? Well, step into the nineties with “Social Stagnation,” the board game for the politically correct! The object of the game is to collect enough Media Hype Chips and Congressional Lobby Points to virtually stop anything from happening! If you can bring the country to a grinding halt, you’ve reached… Social Stagnation! But watch what you say, if you offend even the smallest special interest group, it’s back to square one!
HUSBAND. Okay, this one’s for three media chips. “Who buys a toupee?”
WIFE. The follically challenged?
SON. The differently haired?
HUSBAND. You’re both right!
SON. Okay Dad, you need this one to senselessly monopolize network broadcast time. “What should you do instead of ‘training your dog?’”
HUSBAND. That’s easy! Respectfully empower your animal companion to make cognitive choices!
SON. Sorry, Dad. You were on the right track, but you had to use twice as many meaningless words.
HUSBAND. Oh, darn!
WIFE. Okay, Cindy, your turn. Tell me the last four things you do in an average day.
DAUGHTER. First I signify my voluntary affection to my significant adult companions by by giving them a goodnight kiss, while still respecting their personal space boundaries, then I perform my dental hygiene ritual, then I say my prayers and go to bed.
ANNOUNCER. Oops! Did you say “prayers?” Move back twenty spaces! Yes
it’s fun for the whole family, with Social Stagnation! And remember, it’s
not just a board game… it’s a two-dimensional recreational pastime!
MAN. Honey, where did we leave that Bible?
WOMAN. I don’t know. Weren’t you reading it last?
MAN. I thought you were.
WOMAN. Well, I don’t know where it is..
MAN. How can we do our evening devotions if we can’t find our Bible?
BOTH. Uh oh!
ANNOUNCER. How many times has this happened to you? Well, no more with the new Bible Finder! Just clip this handy gizmo on the good book and salvation is always a whistle away! Never again will you be late for church because you can’t find your Bible. Just whistle the first stanza of “Rock of Ages” and a friendly little beeper will play back the chorus, letting you know exactly where you left it! (sound cue demonstrates whistle and beep) Look! There it is on the coffee table! It’s that easy! Why take a chance on losing the most important book in your life? Get the new Bible Finder today!
MAN. Honey, it’s time for devotions! Now where’s that Bible?
WOMAN. I’ll find it! (she whistles, beeper responds)
MAN. Oh, there it is! Boy do I feel better having our new Bible Finder!
WOMAN. Me to! (commercial ends with a whistling resolution of
“Rock of Ages.”)
(Blot, a prehistoric cave guy, is writing and humming. Grog, another prehistoric cave guy, enters.)
GROG. Hello Blot.
BLOT. Hello Grog.
GROG. What Blot doing.
BLOT. Blot inventing music.
GROG. What music?
BLOT. Music is noise that make your head go back and forth. See? (He demonstrates) Dooty-dooty-doot-doot, dooty-dooty-doot-doot..
GROG. That good.
(They both do it)
BLOT & GROG. Dooty-dooty-doot-doot, dooty-dooty-doot-doot.
GROG. So what music for?
BLOT. Music have many uses. Can make dance… can help tell story… can make feel good when eating… also conducive to effective prenatal relaxation.
BLOT. But Blot having trouble with words of song.
GROG. Grog help. Tell what Blot have so far.
BLOT. Okay. “It only take a… hmmm… to get a fire go-o-ing…” That all so far.
GROG. That good. What problem.
BLOT. Me just a prehistoric cave guy. Me not know what it take to get fire going!
(Grog steps forward as announcer)
GROG. Yes, but those days over now that we have discovered how to make fire. And now fire easier than ever with new Grog-co brand “This Lil’ Lighter O’ Mine.” Now light fire faster than ever to cook meat… light cave… or contemplate universe and place in it… but Grog say no smoking! And no playing! Grog say no playing with fire. No playing or get burned. Fire burns, take it from Grog. Grog know… but never mind! Grog say set example. Get Groc-co “This Lil’ Lighter O’ Mine,” and… pass it on!
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