By Chris Wyatt
Showing how different media adapt the news to suit their own purposes.
Voice of America
Radio New Zealand
This is the world service of the BBC. Here is the news read by Darryl Warrington-Jones. The first manned landing on the planet Mars occurred earlier today, when the American spacecraft, Mariner 23, made a successful landing. Lt. Albert Bergstein stepped out of his craft to become the first known creature to set foot on the Martian surface. There were no technical problems during the flight, and all equipment is reported to be functioning satisfactorily.
Voice of America News, and I'm Walter Crankup. United States technology has triumphed again. The spacecraft Mariner 23, carrying astronaut Lt Albert Bergstein, has landed safely on the surface of Mars. President Al Gore has sent a telegram of congratulation to Mrs Bergstein. The Dow Jones stock market index rose 200 points immediately the news was received. A small protest by the Martian Civil Liberties Congress at Kennedy spaceport was disbanded peacefully. Here we have a recording of the first words spoken by Albert Bergstein to the nation of America as he stepped onto Mars. (Noise of static and crackles, then a voice speaking distinctly in Russian. Rapid fade out..)
This is Iran Broadcasting. An unknown spacecraft is reported to have landed on Mars early today. We have every reason to believe it was Mohammed Abdullah, a membr of the Revolutionary Council of our great Muslim society. Abdullah, who lives entirely on raisins and bread cakes, disappeared mysteriously after lunch, after a strong wind blew past his front door. His rocket is said to have been powered entirely by oil from our great nation. We also hear reports that an American craft attempted a landing, but crashed in the process. This is because it was run by filthy capitalist American Christians trying to undermine the mighty flame of Allah's revolution through Islam.
Radio New Zealand News, read by Dougal Humphrey. A New Zealander was injured during the takeoff of a successful US mission to Mars. Jim Crun, a cleaner at Kennedy spaceport, was burned slightly when he was hit by a cigarette butt flicked by an onlooker. His condition is satisfactory. Crun is the great-grandson of an early Manawatu famer. He has been living in US since he was three years old.
Midday, and that's news time! (Upbeat theme) Great news today. The Yanks hit Mars! Yankee spaceman Bergstein leaped out of his spacecraft and became the first man to dance disco on Mars. A video release will be shown exclusively here on MTV at 6 tonight, and is expected to go straight to number one.
The Duke of Edinburgh's image took a slight dent today when his Rolls Royce was accidentally backed into by Mrs Phyllis Kwot, of 34 Rainbow St, East End, London. Only minor damage was inflicted to both cars, and insurance companies report there are no problems.
England's Duke of Edinburgh denies that the monarchy was under threat when he was the victim of road rage in London today. A woman who backed into the Duke's Rools Royce shouted republican slogans as she was led away. The US President has offered to loan the Duke a Cadillac while his car is being repaired.
In London today, an enraged anti-imperialist woman attempted to assassinate the Duke of Edinburgh, to show solidarity with freedom-loving peoples of the world. The attack sparked a street battle against the bloody persecution by British Imperialism. In the resulting riot, 135 shops were ransacked, 40 people arrested and 13 taken to hospital.
A car which backed into the Duke of Edinburgh's Rolls Royce today was previously owned by Mr Ray Ferny, a Wellington postal clerk. Mr Ferny, a vintage car enthusiast, says he sold the car to Mrs Phyllis Kwot when she visited New Zealand last year.
More groovy news, this time from England. The Dukey baby of Edinburgh got a bootful today when lovely divorcee Mrs Phyllis Kwot rammed her souped-up convertible into the back of his shiny black Rolls. She was so upset, she offered to date smashing Prince Charles to make up for it. The Daily Mirror is reported to have paid Mrs Kwot a million pounds for her side of the story.
The Middle East peace crisis has been resolved again. Reports from a Geneva conference say that a multilateral truce has been declared, with no nation claiming victory. Further talks to disarm the warring factions on both sides are expected to continue next month. Initial discussions on the proposed shapes of the conference tables has begun. Tattersalls is offering odds of 5 to 1 that the accord will be broken before the shape is finalised.
Victory today for the great Middle East nations! Today Ayatollah Khomeiny stood on his head for three hours and recited the Korean from memory to celebrate our victory over Zionist influence in the Middle East. We join with the people of Palestine in their celebration of liberation from Israeli oppression. To mark the victory, Arab oil states will raise the price of oil 60%, effective immediately. The world will soon be our footstool.
The free nations of the West triumphed today at the Geneva peace talks. President Al Gore was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for forcing the communist-backed aggressors to restract their unreasonable demands. "We remain completely neutral in this whole situation," he told news reporters. He later signed an accord with Israel under which the USA will supply $4 billion dollars worth of guided missiles over the next 12 months. The American-backed United Nations peace-keeping force, meanwhile, continues its pacification programme in the Ghaza Strip. One of the American members of the force accidently killed 300 Arabs when he mistook them for date palms. President Gore has made an apology to Egypt.
A New Zealand member of the United Nations peacekeeping force in Jerusalem made his own small gesture when the peace agreement was signed today. Private Wallace McGillicuddy - whose father was an All Black during the 1930s - celebrated by removing his socks for the first time in two years. When asked to comment on the latest New Zealand unemployment figures, Private McGillicuddy said he didn't expect to be one of them just yet.
Finally in the news, a breakthrough in the Middle East, as both sides signed an historic ........... nah, that doesn't look very interesting. Let's see, must be something worthwhile here (flips through papers). Ah, this is better. Punk rocker Johnny rotten has released a CD called 'The Sounds of Flagellation'. It's being issued posthumously, and a video of the performance will be shown live ... well, I suppose it won't be live really, will it? but all you voyeurs can tune in at 7 tonight, and the first 50 crazed viewers who want to participate in a re-enactment will be offered free stones and whips at our Lime Street studios.
© Chris Wyatt
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