Super Chaplain

 By Fred Lane

Summary

A humorous look at the life in the ER from the eyes of a chaplain who is dreaming.

Cast:

Super Chaplain
Nurse: Lois Lane
ER Secretary: Ms. Planet
Doctor: Dr. Perry White
Patient: James Olson
Narrator/Chaplain

Script

(Setting: Maryview Hospital: Pastoral Care Office; ER)

(Props: small table and chair, stretcher, log book, capes, ER sign, clipboard)

(Drama begins with N/C seated at table writing in the log book.)

N/C: (writing in log book while talking) Well, let's see...I had a call to the ER at 7.15; that would be 1915 hours (writes in log book)......Mr. Basnight with unstable angina, rule out MI...patient asleep....(rubbing eyes and stops writing, sits back in chair) Boy, what a night! I was called every hour on the hour for a TELE admit in the ER. I didn't get 5 minutes of sleep.

N/C: (returns to writing, then stops) You know, it would be really great to not need sleep, to never be tired....If I could just like super-man....Yeah, I can see it now....SUPER CHAPLAIN.....

(SC enters quickly and stands with his hands on his hips, shirt unbuttoned to show 'S' emblem)

N/C: SUPER CHAPLAIN...Faster than a speeding elevator! More powerful than 200 ml of Demoral! Able to leap tall syringes in a single bound. SUPER CHAPLAIN, strange minister from another faith tradition who came to Maryview with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal laypersons! SUPER CHAPLAIN, who can change the course of mighty emotions, mend crisis situations with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Rev. Clark Kent, (S/C closes shirt and takes off cape, remains standing) mild-mannered minister for a great metropolitan church, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the Maryview way!

(N/C leaves stage; S/C  puts on ÏgiantÓ beeper, and begins to look at the log book)

S/C: It's another night at Maryview, and I hope it's going to be quiet.

(Other actors/actresses say: Quiet is a word we don't use around here!)

S/C: Who said that? (Looking around momentarily; returns to log book). Well, let's see what's been happening here...

(Other actors/actresses say: BZZZZZ)

S/C: (Shakes his whole body as if the giant beeper was shaking him as it goes off) Oh, I have a call already (looks down at box as if reading the message) It's the ER...there's someone in need.  That can only mean one thing...It's time for SUPER CHAPLAIN!

(S/C puts on his cape and reopens his shirt, and walks to the right of the stage as narrator begins)

N/C: SUPER CHAPLAIN..."Faster than a speeding elevator! More powerful than 200 ml of Demoral! Able to leap tall syringes in a single bound. SUPER CHAPLAIN, strange minister from another faith tradition who came to Maryview with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal laypersons! SUPER CHAPLAIN, who can change the course of mighty emotions, mend crisis situations with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Rev. Clark Kent, (S/C closes shirt and takes off cape, remains standing) mild-mannered minister for a great metropolitan church, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the Maryview way!"

(during this, ER is set up on other side and middle)

S/C: I love the sound of that! (Turns and walks to ER secretary, who is seated at table, writing) Hello, Ms Planet.

Sec: (Without looking up) Hello.

S/C: Ms. Planet, I'm SUPER CHAPLAIN. You beeped me.

Sec.: Oh, yeah.  (Looks up & Passes him a clipboard) We've got a TELE admit in C1 that's a COPD SOB with a bilateral hemophonic fistula; and there's a patient in room 6 that has a PMOJ bronchial inclusion complicated by a unirrigated ADZETWOQ sclerosis. (Pause: S/C looks at audience with a 'can you believe this' look). The one I called about is a patient in T1. He was kicked by a horse.

S/C: Kicked by a horse?

Sec.: Yeah.  Isn't that different?

S/C: Do you know how it happened?

Sec.: (mischievously) I guess he was standing at the wrong end of a horse.  (Smiling)

S/C: (shakes his head)

Sec.: You'll have to ask the doctor. He's right there, standing outside the patient's room.

S/C.: Thanks, Ms. Planet. (Steps over to doctor) Hello, doctor.  I'm SUPER CHAPLAIN, and I'm here to  change the course of mighty emotions and mend crisis situations with my bare hands! (extends hand to shake hands)

Doctor: (wearing a cape to the floor; shakes hands and looks at S/C waist-length cape) I'm Dr. Perry White, otherwise known as Batman, the caped crusader. (rolls eyes)

S/C: Dr. White, can you tell me anything about the patient who was kicked by a horse? (S/C notices the doctor's long cape)

Doctor: Yes, I suppose I can, Rev.....er,....Chaplain....ah,....ah....

S/C: SUPER CHAPLAIN!

Doctor: Yes,...ah....Chaplain Super. He has a bilocated tibia in his extreme pulmonary conflagration.

S/C: Ah,....Dr. White,....can you explain to me what that is?

Doctor: (Smiling broadly) I certainly can.  In LAYMAN'S LANGUAGE, he has a broken arm. (Smiling and nodding) I do forget that everyone here does not appreciate the nuances of professional medical terminology. (Looks at patient) Since I have taken care of his real problem, I suppose you can give him some moral support.

S/C: (Looks down dejectedly and rubs his foot on the floor)

(Other Actors and Actresses say: 'Awwwwwwww')

(Nurse Lois Lane enters at this point carrying a cape the size of a baby's bib)

Nurse: Hello, SUPER CHAPLAIN!

S/C: Hello, Lois. Good to see you, hope you're having a good evening.

Nurse: Oh, yes I am! In fact, it's about to get even better! (Turns and speaks to Dr. White) Dr. White, you picked up the wrong cape when you came in tonight.

Doctor: I did!????

Nurse: YES, you did!! (takes long cape off doctor and puts short cape on him, puts long cape on herself)

Doctor: (Looking panicked, reaches back to feel small cape) Oh, no! Ah....Ah.... I guess I should continue my rounds, if that's okay?

Nurse: (speaks with hands on hips) You have my permission....

(Doctor walks off quickly, mumbling to himself)

Nurse: SUPER CHAPLAIN, I hope you have a good evening. (Walks off, fluffing her new cape)

S/C: Thanks, Lois!

(S/C  goes to bedside of patient)

S/C: Hello, I'm SUPER CHAPLAIN, and I'm here to  change the course of mighty emotions and mend crisis situations with my bare hands!

Patient: Oh, am I glad to see you, chaplain! I'm James Olson...you can call me Jimmy....

S/C: Tell me, Jimmy, why are you glad to see me?
Patient: My horse kicked me, and hes never done anything like that before.
S/C: Oh, Im so very, deeply, sorry.
(S/C turns to audience and together with other Actresses and actors says: HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL??)
Patient: Well, very sad. You see, Mr. Ed and I have been.......
S/C: (Interrupting) Excuse me, but did you say, MR. ED??? (Looks at audience in disbelief)
Patient: Oh, yes.  Mr. Ed and I have been together a long time, and we have had the greatest relationship.  Hes always been so easy to get along with, you know.  But ever since this afternoon, when he got a letter from the network that the royalties from his TV show were ending, he has been impossible!
S/C: I guess you had to read the letter and tell him the bad news.
Patient: Oh, no! He reads his own mail!
S/C: He can read, too???!!!
Patient: Oh, sure! In fact, he kicked out the side of stall on the set of his TV show years ago when he found out the producer had been reading his mail!
S/C: So, I guess he opens his own mail now!
Patient: (Looks at S/C with shock) He cant open mail, hes a horse....horses cant do that with hooves!!!
S/C: How silly of me!
Patient: (Sighs dejectedly) Anyway, he got the letter, and started kicking his stall apart. I tried to stop him, but....well, you can see what happened.
S/C: (Turns and looks at audience, shaking his head)
(Other actors/actresses say: BZZZZZ)
(N/C is at table w/ head down on log book; startled, he sits up and reaches for beeper)
N/C: Oh, boy!! I must have gone to sleep!! (pauses to get himself together) I had the weirdest dream!...SUPER CHAPLAIN! (shaking head). Ive got to stop eating in the middle of the night.
PA Voice: Calling SUPER CHAPLAIN,...Calling SUPER CHAPLAIN...
N/C: Oh, NOOOOO!!!!

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© Fred Lane, Crosswind Community Church, All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. He may be contacted at: crosswindonline@cox.net