By Walt Scheiman
One man is sure people are plotting against him, even his Christian friend, who wants to invite him to church.
(Scene starts with man one sitting on a couch in a living room.)
2: (enters and sits next to one, pause) Well?
1: Well what?
2: Are you ready?
1: Decided not to go.
2: What? Now you promised me two weeks ago you would go to church with me today. It's our big Friends Weekend celebration and you are my friend, at least for now.
1: Sorry, too risky.
2: Too risky? What do you mean too risky?
1: After what I have been through this past few weeks I can not take the chance. You might have ulterior motives.
2: I know I am going to regret this but; Gee, what do you mean?
1: It started late last year. You are not going to believe this but I swear it's true.
2: (skeptical) Go on.
1: (looking both ways as if there is some sort of plot, whispers) The dry cleaner is shrinking all my clothes.
2: Shrinking? What are you talking about?
1: That's right, I noticed it when I was dressing for work on Monday morning. As I was buttoning my shirt I noticed the buttons over my stomach barley reached. Than, after I put on my pants, I was afraid to even bend over because they were so tight.
2: OK let us suppose the dry cleaner is shrinking your cloths, why is it you think he would do that?
1: Isn't it obvious?
2: Not quite.
1: More money.
2: More mon . . . I am not following you.
1: Don't you get it? He's in it with Kohls. If my clothes don't fit, I have to buy new clothes, new clothes in the expensive 2X size, then, he gets his little kickback from the store. Fiendish, that's what it is fiendish!
2: Excuse me, but I have seen you dress and it does not appear to me you take your clothes to a dry cleaner.
1: Oh, I don't, that's how heinous the plot is. He is sneaking in here and purposely shrinking my clothes.
2: Did you ever think that maybe the problem is not our clothes?
1: I don't follow you.
2: Maybe it's just you have . . . . Oh, never mind. That kind of logic is not going to work. So the reason you won't come to Friend Weekend is your belly is getting to fa . . . I mean because of the sinister Kohls/dry cleaner plot?
1: There is also my hairy pillow.
2: Your hairy pillow?
1: I go to bed every night with a clean pillowcase and in the morning I have loose hair all over it. Try to explain that one.
2: I got it, the hair fairy is coming into your room nightly and spreading hair all over your bed.
1: Now you are just being ridiculous. If there was a hair fairy don't you think I would just put the hair under my pillow and make some money. I think Linda is up to something.
2: Linda, your wife? Linda, one of the nicest, honest people around is putting hair on your pillow at night? For what reason?
1: Do I have to spell everything out for you?
2: It appears so.
1: The d-o-g.
2: You don't have a d-o-g.
1: Not that I have seen. She has one hidden away somewhere. Every night she spreads a little of it's hair on my pillow to get me used to the idea of having the hairy beast around. Then one day when I least expect it she'll say "Oh, look honey. A beautiful little dog followed me home from the store." Before you know it we are taking it everywhere we go, buying chew toys, taking it on play dates with the other dogs in obedience class. Well no way. She is not going to get away with it. I'm on to her.
2: Yeah, you are a regular Sherlock Holmes.
1: Then there is the lighting in this house. Why, it's so dark I can't even focus on my paper. Everything is blurry.
2: Let me guess, the electric company.
1: (pointing to his nose) Bingo, baby. More light to see, more electricity to make more light to see, more money to make more electricity to make more light to see. Before you know it I am swimming in debt just to pay my bills. Well no way mister. I am on to all of them.
2: I think you are just being paranoid.
1: Listen, if everyone is really against you, then you are not paranoid. And you are no different with that church stuff. What do you really want, huh? Money?
2: No, we have plenty of that our - congregation is quite generous.
1: Well then, you just want me to give up all my friends.
2: Sorry, when you get to know God you are going to have more friends then you know what to do with and be more important to your old friends then ever.
1: Oh, I know, you just don't want me to have fun.
2: OK, you got me. I want to rain on your parade. I want to be your very own wet blanket. I want to be the Scrooge of your Saturday night.
1: AH HA!
2: What is wrong with you?
1: I am just being cautious.
2: Listen, I am not up to anything. I would just like the pleasure of your company at church, that's it.
1: That's it?
2: Period, finito.
1: No money, no giving up my friends, no abandoning fun.
2: No, nope, nyet. You might find yourself thinking differently about those things someday, but no one is going to try to force anything on you. See, it's about relationship not control.
1: Well then, why?
2: I have this great Friend who is closer to me than any brother could possibly be. And because He is so good to me I want you to know Him too.
1: Hey, that's nice.
2: Sure, now come on, let's go.
1: Yeah, let's go.
2: And about those other things happening to you, well they are happening to me to.
2: Yeah but I think it's because I am just getting fat, bald and blind. In other words, old.
1: Yeah, I can tell. I just wish it was that way with me. It's not easy having all those people working against me.
2: Ah . . . so the plot thickens. (they exit)
© 02/05, Walt Scheiman, all rights reserved .
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