Evangelisticman

By Warren Judkins

Summary

After several setbacks, our evangelistic superhero begins to modify his methods.

Characters

Narrators 1 and 2
Evangelisticman
Antoinette , Beatrice, Colin, Dude ("lost souls")
Angel
2 Mates (friends of Evangelisticman)

Script

N1: Faster than a Baptist at a smorgasbord...

N2: ... stronger than the All Blacks.

N1: Able to move tall mountains with a single prayer...

N2: It's a bird...

N1: It's a plane...

N2: It's ... EVANGELISTICMAN!

(Enter EM with big cape)

N1: He's got the doctrine.

N2: He's got the word (Huge Bible)

N1: He's got his breath freshener...

N2: ... and cheesy smile.

N1: Matching socks...

N2: ...and a keen eye for a sinner.

N1: He's just been to a fiery sermon on evangelism....

EM: Aha! (rubs hands gleefully)

N2: ...and the very mention of the word makes his eyes light up.

(Enter Antoinette)

N1: But wait! Here's a poor lost soul, teetering on the brink of destruction!

N2: What will Evangelisticman do?

EM: Sister, are you saved?

A: I beg your pardon?

EM: Have you heard of the four spiritual laws?

A: Say...what!!?

EM: Have you been sanctified by the blood of the Lamb?

A: What's a freezing works got to do with...

EM: Jesus said...

A: Oh no! I should have guessed - a fanatic!

EM: But...

A: (pushes EM away) I don't need any more cranks preaching at me.

EM: But, but...

A: (Shoves EM to the ground) Weirdo! (Exits)

(While EM crawls on knees, enter Angel)

Angel: What's the trouble?

EM: People think I'm weird because I'm a Christian.

Angel: Really!?

EM: She called me a crank...

Angel: (gently) Listen... (pulls EM to feet) They don't think you're weird because you're a Christian.

EM: They don't?

Angel: (Matter-of-fact) Nope. They think you're weird because you're weird! What's this 'sacrificed by the blood' business? (Dusting EM off)

EM: (Miserable) I dunno - it's what Christians say.

Angel: Well, stop it. It's awful.

EM: But...

Angel: Use normal words, like 'clean' and 'free' and 'new'.

EM: It doesn't sound very impressive.

Angel: It sounds great! Go on, try it.

EM: (doubtfully) Okay...

(Angel goes to exit, then stops)

Angel: (Gently) Even without the weird bits, they will think you're uncool just for being a Christian.

N1: Jesus said...

N2: ...if the world hates you, remember that it hated me first.

N1: If you belonged to the world, it would love you.

N2: But you belong to me, instead - that's why they hate you.

EM: Thanks for the encouragement. (Angel exits)

N1: Ahem! (Back to superhero mode) Faster than grace after the 40-hour Famine...

N2: Stronger than a prayer meeting ... (enter Beatrice)

N1: Here comes another poor sinner.

N2: It's another chance for Evangelisticman to save the day.

EM: Hi there!

B: Hello.

N1: (aside) That's a good start.

N2: He's learning.

EM: Hey, have got a minute?

B: What's up?

EM: I want to tell you about something really important.

B: Yes?

EM: (encouraged) Oh great, it's (enter mates, yahooing)

Mate 1: Hi there, Mr E! (others with similar greetings)

EM: Oh, hi Steve.

Mate 2: We're just off to the beach for the afternoon. D'ya wanna come?

EM: Oh...well... I'm just...

Mate 1: Come on, 'Vangieman - it'll be great.

Mate 2: Surf's up.

Mate 1: Sheila's coming (they start to leave)

EM: Sheila's coming!? Um... (to B) Hey, look, sorry - I've gotta go.

B: Oh? Guess it can't have been that important (she starts to go).

EM: (To B) No, it is important - (To mates) Wait, guys! (To B, who has now left) Can we talk about it? (To audience) Later?

(Enter Angel)

Angel: Hi!

EM: Oh no, I've blown it!

Angel: (Pats EM on the back) It's all right.

EM: No, it's not. I got all caught up in what I wanted to do.

Angel: Doesn't feel too good, huh?

EM: What do I do? I really wanted to go to the beach... but if it wasn't the right thing to do...

Angel: Joy comes from doing God's stuff, eh?

EM: Yeah. Being selfish isn't all that satisfying.

N1: Jesus said... (exit Angel)

N2: ...If anyone would come after me...

N1: They must deny themselves daily...

N2: ...take up their cross ...

N1: ... and follow me.

N2: For if you try to hold on to your life...

N1: ... it'll slip through your fingers.

N2: But if you give up to the Lord...

N1: You'll have life to the full.

N2: Meantime, back on the farm...

N1: (superhero mode again) Faster than a Morris Minor...

N2: Stronger than changing rooms on a hot day...

N1: Oh no! Here's another lost soul in need of salvation!

N2: What will our hero do this time?

Colin: You got a light?

EM: Yes! The Light!!

N1: Oh no!

Colin: Naa - for my smoke.

EM: Who needs smoke when you've got the fire!

N2: Oh dear.

(Enter Angel urgently)

Angel: (urgent stage whisper) Psst! Act normal! (Exits)

EM: Ahem! Um... no, sorry, I haven't.

Colin: What's with all that weird stuff?

EM: Do you really want to know?

Colin: Well...yeah.

EM: It's like this. (Big breath) Um...(thinks) it's... (thinks desperately) Huh, you know I've prepared this speech so well I can't remember how it starts... (sheepish)

Colin: Don't worry about a speech, just tell it like it is.

EM: Like it is!? Um...I haven't memorised that...

Colin: What, is it complicated, or something?

EM: No! I've just to put it the right way. It's like... (quickly) um...the way that...er (paces and mutters, Colin exits, shrugging. EM turns around triumphantly) Aha! God so loved the... (sees Colin gone). Oh! Aargh! I've done it again.

(Enter Angel)

Angel: What's up?

EM: I'm useless.

Angel: (Nods)

EM: I got so scared about what to say, I didn't say anything! I tried so hard...

Angel: You tried too hard...

EM: (Despondent) I still can't do it right.

Angel: (smiles) you know, I think God can use you now.

EM: But I'm hopeless! (Takes off cape)

Angel: By yourself, you can't do much.

N1: Jesus said...

N2: .. I am the vine, you ar the branches.

N1: If you keep with me, you will produce a crop.

N2: Without me, you can't do anything.

N1: Don't worry about what to say, or how to say it.

N2: At that time, the words will be given to you.

EM: You mean, it's not up to me?

Angel: Nope. It's up to God.

EM: So what do I do?

Angel: You've got the truth. Just tell it like it is. Live it. See what God can do through you.

EM: That doesn't sound all that glamorous.

Angel: Nope. God gets the glory. You just look to him.

N1: It's not by might, or by power...

N2: ...but by my Spirit, says the Lord.

N1: If my people will humble themselves...

N2: ...and pray, and seek my face...

N1: ...and turn from their wicked ways...

N2: ...then I will hear from heaven...

N1: ...forgive their sin...

N2: ...and heal their land.

EM: (falls to knees) Oh God, here I am. Sorry for trying to do without you. I'm not really a hero at all - just your servant. Amen.

(Enter Dude, who sees EM praying)

Dude: Hey, 'Vangie Man! How's it going? (EM gets up hastily.)

EM: Oh...OK...

Dude: What were you doing down there?

EM: Er...nothing. Well, actually, I was praying.

Dude: Praying!?

EM: (a bit sheepish) Yeah. Just saying sorry for being so silly.

Dude: You were talking to God like that?

EM: Sure.

Dude: And what did He say?

EM: (They start to exit) Oh, the Bible says that if we own up when we blow it, someone else takes the rap...

Dude: Really? Who?

EM: It's like this... (they exit)

(N1 and 2 begin to exit)

N1: That's the spirit, eh!?

N2: Yep...the, ah...Holy Spirit.

.........................................................................................................

Warren Judkins
All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged.
In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed.
He may be contacted at: jd@middleton.school.nz