The Paul Holmes Christmas Production


A TV interviewer used to being centre stage finds himself at the edge and speechless when investigating the events in Bethlehem.



Susan Woods (TV link person)
Paul Holmes (TV interviewer)
Baby Jesus
3 Wise Men



FX: Holmes theme music.

(We see Susan Woods, TV link person, sitting at her desk.)

SUSAN: Good evening, and welcome. Tonight we have a special report for you. Rumour has it that the Royal Family have a new member, so we are crossing live to Buckingham Palace..... (holds hand to ear) . .... Sorry, we are crossing over to Bethleham!? - Did I hear that Correctly? (Puzzled look on face) - Yes, apparently it's over to Paul in a place called Bethleham.

(Enter Paul Holmes.)

PAUL: Thank you, Susan. We have a strange report for you - we've heard rumours that a NEW King has been born, so I'll just go to check it out with King Herod here, I'm sure he'd be the first to know. (Moves over to Herod) Good evening, Your Majesty, can you tell us anything about this story of a new King?

HEROD: (angry) King! King! I'm the only King around here and it's time people accepted it. Why, I've not long ago had a visit from 3 eastern eggheads asking me the same thing. What's wrong with everybody?

PAUL: Yes, yes, of course you're the only King, and a great job you're doing I'm sure. (Backs off and turns to audience.) Looks like he got out of bed on the wrong side this morning!

HEROD :(Yells to Paul as he's leaving) If you hear anything .... you come back, you hear...

PAUL: (To audience) As if I would . . . (to Herod) Sure thing Your Majesty.

(Spotlight moves onto three men engaged in wise-looking discussion.)

PAUL: (To wisemen) Hello, I'm Paul Holmes from the 'HOLMES SHOW'. Can I just ask you a few questions?

WISEMAN 1: I dare say this is a convenient moment for an interruption to our discussion.

PAUL: Um, yes, ves, ah - can I just ask where you chaps are going?

WISEMAN 2: Well, a 'far out' phenomena has appeared in the sky and we reckon that something awesome is about to happen.

WISEMAN 3: Absolutely ... so we have travelled a great distance to check out where this miracle may eventuate.

PAUL: (To audience) Wow - these sound like wise men to me! (To wise men) You haven't just been to Herod's palace, by any chance?

WISE 1: Indeed, however our discussion with that tyrant was most unprofitable.

WISE 2: So we determined to continue forth on our quest, regardless

PAUL: Mind if I join you?

WISE MAN 3: I'm sure we have no objection to that.

(All wise men nod.)

PAUL: Looks like some locals over there. Let's ask them if they know anything. (To audience) This is starting to look like a wild goose chase to me.

(While Paul is talking to audience, the wise men go to locals and start to engage them in conversation with gestures and nodding of heads, etc.)

PAUL: (To audience) Looks like we're missing out on something here. (Butts into conversation) I'm Paul Holmes from the 'HOLMES SHOW' and......

LOCAL 1: (Sarcastically) Excuse me!! . .. (turns back to wise men) Anyway, as I was saying, we were just washing our socks, I mean, watching our flocks, when . . . pow . . . an awesome light appeared.

LOCAL 2: I was so scared, I dropped my Sega!

LOCAL 3: Yeah, I freaked out too, but then this angel started telling us about a King being born and said we'd find him in a cowshed.

PAUL: (To audience) Obviously a wild goose chase - whoever heard of a King being born in a cowshed.

WISE MAN 1: This is indeed amazing. We must investigate this with all haste. (Other wise men nod in agreement.)

PAUL: (To locals still scoffing) And where exactly is this cowshed that the King's chosen to be born in?

LOCAL 1: Well, we've sussed out a few, but there was no-one home, so we're off to see Mo at the tavern. He knows everything.

LOCAL 2: There's the old dude over there.

(Group goes over to Mo.)

PAUL: (To Mo) I'm Paul Holmes from the 'HOLMES SHOW' and...

MO: (Ignores Paul and looks at locals) Hi there Jock, Fred, Sue. What's up?

PAUL: (To audience) Don't they know who I am? This 'Mo' fellow clearly isn't with the 'in' people!

LOCAL 3: Some angels told us about a new baby who's pretty special - a King in fact. Who's had a baby round here lately?

WISE MAN 1: We would welcome any information that would help us to find this new King

MO: Man, let me think. It's been pretty flat out round here with all these people coming in for coalition talks. This 'caretaker' Government gets these bright ideas, but as I always say, 'It's us ordinary fellows that have to put up with all the chaos'.

LOCAL 1: Try to think, Mo. We're real keen to rind out what's going on.

MO: Now - um - there was a couple who came in yesterday. She was due to have her baby any day. They looked a pretty stable couple to me, but not exactly what you'd call royalty. Anyway, I was so full up I had to put them out in the cowshed.


LOCAL 2: Quick, take us there Mo.

PAUL: (To audience) I think these chaps have been sampling Mo's beer if you ask me... Anyway, for an ad break, don't go away.

FX: (Holmes music.)

SUSAN WOODS: We cross back to Paul, live at the cowshed.

(Curtains open on a stable scene. All is quiet and hushed.. Mo stands back and lets locals in first. Locals knock at door and enter slowly.)

JOSEPH: Good evening, Sirs. I'm Joseph, this is my wife Mary.

MARY: Greetings to you all. This is Baby Jesus.

LOCALS: (Together) Jesus! (Turn to each other) This is the one. (Bow down and stay down)

(Wise men knock gently and enter.)

JOSEPH: Good evening to you also. This is our baby, Jesus.

WISE MAN I: Ah, our search has ended.

WISE MAN 2: The Prince is born.

WISE MAN 3: God Himself is among us. (All wise men hand over their wrapped parcels. All fall to knees and worship.)

PAUL: (To audience) It's time to get to the bottom of this nonsense. (Barges in.) Hi, I'm Paul Holmes from the 'HOLMES SHOW' and ... I ah ... um (Looks stunned and staggers back.)

JOSEPH: Welcome, Sir. Have you also come to see the King?

PAUL: Um ... I... er... (slowly kneels down)

(Back to Susan)

SUSAN: I can't believe it. Paul speechless! I feel strange too. There is something heavenly among us.

FX: TV theme.


Author unknown
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