Gotta Have It

By Andy Lund


Customers fight over the latest Christmas fads in this satire. Points up how consumerism has taken over.


James 4:1-3


3 Customers
2 children


(The scene is a department store.  On each side of the stage is a counter and the action takes place at one or the other with the shop assistant moving between them whilst the action is frozen. PA system sounds out an inane jingle along the lines of “You gotta have it, gotta have it.  It’s the best that you can get.”  Continues to play in the background for a while.)
Assistant: (Sings along)
Customer 1: (Talking to Customer 2 as they enter the store) Have you done it all then?
Customer 2:  What?
Customer 1: Your seasonal shopping.
Customer 1: What do you think?  Months ago.  All done and dusted before the first leaf fell.  I’m not a last minute type.
Customer 1: Nor me.  You can lose out like that.  So did you get the present?
Customer 2: Of course.  Goes without saying.  (Sings) “Gotta have it.  Gotta have it.  It’s the best that you can get”  I was one of the first, probably the first.  I was in the store the day it was launched.  Oh yes.
Customer 1:  Wow - who have you bought it for?  Someone special, I guess.
Customer 2: You bet.  For me.  Couldn’t think of anyone more deserving.  Oh yes… The XP4500 TS - what a beauty.  I am going to be the total envy of the neighbourhood
Assistant: (Overhearing) Excuse me, sir (madam).  I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation.  Did you say that you had purchased the XP4500 TS?
Customer 2:  You bet.  An absolute treasure.  I don’t mind admitting that I have tried it out even though the festive season is not yet truly upon us.  I couldn’t help myself.  Had to have it.  Had to enjoy it.
Assistant: Yes, that’s what I thought you said.  The thing is  (hesitatingly) …the thing is  …you did say the TS didn’t you?
Customer 2: You bet.  Nothing but the latest for me.  The TS it was.
Assistant: Yes, that’s what I thought you said.  But I’m afraid the latest is the TX not the TS.  Came out yesterday.
Customer 2: (Crestfallen).   No.  I don’t believe it.
Assistant: I’m afraid so.  The Tetra Xenon - the TX.  With the remote control.
Customer 2:  (with envy) With a remote control?
Assistant: Absolutely. We had a total run on them all day.  In fact I believe I’ve only got one left in stock this side of Christmas.
Customer 1: (quickly intervening) I’ll take it.
{Customer 2 gives Customer 1 a look of pure hatred)
 (Freeze frame)
(Inane Jingle fades up again. Assistant moves to other counter where two children are fighting to be first in the queue.  Other spare actors can make up a rudimentary queue)
Child 1: (Shouting) I was first.  Get behind me!  Take your turn!
Child 2: No you weren’t!  You pushed in!
Child 1: So what if I did.  I’m still in front of you…so tough!
Assistant: Now children, let’s not argue.  I’m sure there’s time for you both to be served.  What was it that you wanted, sonny?
Child 1: I want the Gamma Plus Wow 2, silver limited edition with combi tabulation.
Assistant: Would that be with the digital cyber challenger?
Child 2: Oh come on.  This is taking too long.  I want to be served as well, you know.
Child 1: Back off!  No one cares about you!
Child 2: Well how about you back off?
Child 1: How about you take some of this medicine? (Hits him)
Child 2: Fine by me, if that’s what you want.  (A fight ensues)
Assistant: (Distraught) Children please!
(Freeze-frame with children scrapping on the floor.)
(Jingle again. Assistant moves back to first counter.)
Assistant: (Humming the jingle) Can I help, madam?  (Sir)
Customer 3: I certainly hope so.  It’s the same problem every year - what do you get for someone who has everything?
Assistant: No problems.  You have come to the right store.  Did you know that we have a whole department dedicated to that very thought?  I think you’ll find your search is at an end.
Customer 3: Oh excellent.  You really can help?  You’re a genius.  Give me some suggestions.
Assistant: Let me see now…
Customer 3: As long as it’s fun and frivolous.
Assistant: There is the new range of flavoured mobile phone covers.
Customer 3: Oh great.
Assistant: Yes… you receive a boring call from your boss or a distant relative and instead of giving them any kind of attention you can go right ahead and start licking those number keys.  Mmm, Guava and kiwi, yummy...
Customer 3: Great.  Any other ideas?
Assistant: Any number.  How about the Groovy Chick nose hair curler?
Customer 3: Mmm...
Assistant: Or the Steam station elbow therapy kit?
Customer 3: Ahh…
Assistant: Or best of all, the new stress inducer.
Customer 3: Stress inducer?
Assistant: Absolutely.  For the truly over chilled -out executive a whole range of products calculated to bring that all-important tension back into your life.  What do you think?
Customer 3: I take it all these products are guaranteed to be frivolous and of no earthly use whatsoever?
Assistant: Quite so sir (madam) Just make sure you read the small print on the packages though.  (Hands over a package)
Customer 3:  (Reading) There is no chance whatsoever of any lasting worth in any of these products.
(Freeze-frame. The other 2 “ frozen frames” position themselves adjacent to this one as a tableau and the assistant to one side says the following.  Alternatively the words can be spoken from the wings or pre recorded.)
Assistant: Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Competitors go into strict training to get a crown that will not last.
We have a crown that will last for ever.
Do not store up for yourselves treasure on earth where moth and rust destroy.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? They come from your desires.  You want something but you don’t get it.  You kill and covet because you cannot have what you want.  You ask with wrong motives.  You ask to spend on your own pleasures.
The fruit of the spirit is self-control. 
God has given us a spirit of 
power and 
love and 
self discipline
(For extra emphasis all the actors can say the emboldened words)
Copyright A.Lund 2003, all rights reserved.
This script may be used free of charge, provided no entrance charge is made for the performance. In return, he would like to be told of any performance. He may be contacted at: