The Dustman Sketch
By Jeremy Moodey
A Stanley Holloway-style monologue about how the real enduring message
of Christmas is not presents but the gift of Jesus Christ.
Cockney dustman (NOT Dick van Dyke please!)
A dustman walks onto the stage with a wheelie bin. He is singing to himself
(to the tune "my old man's a dustman")
Oh I'm your friendly dustman, I wear a dustman's hat
Ha ha! What a laugh eh? I mean, you've gotta laugh in my job, in't ya?
I mean who wants to be a dustman? Especially when you gotta work like today,
I mean two days after Christmas. You know what? The other day I was emptying
the bins in the high street. And I came to this Japanese restaurant, right,
and I couldn't find the bins. So I goes up to this Japanese geezer in the
restaurant and I says, "where's your bin?". And he says: "I been to Japan".
And I says, "no, no, where's your bin". And he says, "I been to Japan".
And I says, "no, no, where's your wheelie bin". And he says, "I wheelie
been to Japan". Ha ha! No seriously, I like the Japanese. Nice people.
It's two days after Christmas, and I'm feeling far too fat
I've eaten too much turkey, and drunk up too much wine
And now I just can't stop 'burp' burping all the time.
I had an awful Christmas, the missus gave me 'ell
She said that 'cos of my job, I had an awful smell
My mother-in-law came visiting, which led me into sin
'Cos I dug an 'ole in the garden, and asked her to drop in!
Well now I'm back on duty, which makes me rather glad
'Cos anyone who likes Christmas is completely raving mad.
I hope to get some tips now, some lovely dosh and bread,
And if the geezers don't pay up, I'll kick 'em in the head!
Mind you, it's lucky I got this job. 'Cos brains is not my strong point.
You know, when I went for the interview at this hotel, right, they asked
me to fill in a questionnaire. So I went outside and punched the doorman!
Then the other day my boss comes over and he gives me this new broom.
He says: "this is special brand new broom - it'll cut your work in half".
So I says, "well that's great then, I'll have two of 'em!". Ha ha!
Still, I may not be the brainiest bloke in the world, but I do likes
me job. Especially at Christmas time. 'Cos not only do I gets tips and
bonuses, but I also gets to rummage through the dustbins after Christmas
Day. And you would be amazed at what you find in these bins. I mean, let's
have a decko at this one.
(Rummages through bin)
For a start there's a flippin' great turkey in there that's only 'alf-eaten.
I mean that's typical innit? The thing takes forever to defrost, it takes
twice as long to cook as that Delia whatsit says it should, you sits down
on Christmas Day and eats the breast and the thighs and a few other naughty
bits, and then you say, 'Cor blimey I'm goin' to be eatin' the rest of
this 'til Easter' so you throws the rest of it away! Or gives it to that
flea-bitten mongrel that passes for the family dog! I mean what a waste!
Then there's the unwanted presents! I bet there's a few of those in
here. (Looks in bin) Yeah look, there's loads of 'em. (To audience)Tell
you what kids, see if you can guess why these presents have been thrown
away. (Rummages through bin) Here we are:
(The next bit is ad-libbed as the dustman picks out toys from the dustbin
and asks the children in the audience if they can guess why they were thrown
away. Here are some examples. The last one should be the children's Bible)
CD Rom - (not violent enough)
Doll - (doesn't look like Baby Spice)
Tottenham football shirt - (last season's kit)
Tottenham teddy - (Teddy Sheringham went to Manchester United)
Star Wars spaceship - (Uncle Fred sat on it before Queen's speech)
Children's Bible - (it didn't have the Teletubbies)
(Dustman reverts to script)
Even the toys that they do keep - they'll be broken, or forgotten,
by this time next year. Sad innit? Still, there's gotta be something about
Christmas that lasts, in't there? Otherwise what's the point? Trouble is,
blown if I can think what it is.
(Looks at Bible)
Maybe it's in here. "Jesus Christ". He's something to do with Christmas
in't he? "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and for ever". Makes
you think dunnit? I think I feel one of 'em Christian songs coming on.
Course, you know what my favourite is, don't you? "We wheelie want to thank
you Lord"! Ha ha. Happy Christmas!
© Jeremy Moodey 2003
All rights reserved
This drama may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies
are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In
exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified
of when and for what purpose the play is performed.
Contact Jeremy at j_moodey<at>hotmail.com