Are We Nearly There Yet?

By Richard Heap


A family sets off on an outing to try and locate the perfect Christmas.


J - Eldest child, precocious, knowing
C1 - Youngest child
C2 - Middle child


D: Come on, get in the car. Quickly, do hurry up or we'll never get there!

C1: Where are we going?

D: We're going to find "The Perfect Christmas"

C2: Do you even know where it is?

D: Oh yes, I have these detailed instructions and this map. See, the final destination is marked by this large cross.

J: I think you'll find that's Easter!

M&D: Thank you, J.

C2: Where did you get that lot from?


All: (Groan)

C2: You'll never find it.

M: It's alright, everybody. I've got my trusty road map with me.

D: And I've got my new SatNav.

C1/2: SatNav?

J: GPS Global Positioning System. It relies on a number of Satellites in Geo Stationary orbits, each of which can be…

M&D: Thank you, J

M: Satellites in space tell Dad where to go.

J: Err…

C1: Dad's been guided from space!

D: Rather appropriate for the season, don't you think?

J: Those were wise men.

M: Thank you J

D: Right, off we go!


C1: Are we nearly there yet?

D: No, there's a lot to do first. What's the first thing on the list?

M: Tree. You've got to have a tree.

D: Yes, a big tree. The bigger the tree, the better the Christmas.

M: That should be easy to find; the route is all on trunk roads.

All: (Groan)

D: Yes, well it wouldn't be Christmas without corny jokes, either.

M: And decorations, lovely decorations, tastefully themed, blue and silver this year I thought.

(the children excitedly list various decorations )

C1: And lights.

C2: Coloured lights, flashing on and off. Outside too.

C1: Snowmen, Santa, Reindeer. Trains with wheels that go round.

M: Keep it tasteful; we don't want to go too far.

C1: Are we nearly there yet?

D: But we must put on a good show, for the neighbours. Best in the street.

J: The Real Christmas was humble. A stable, a manger and poor shepherds.

M: Thank you, J.

D: What's after the tree?

M: Food.

D: And drink. You've got to have that Christmas spirit!

(Children all shout out their favourite foods) Mince pies, turkey, chocolate log, pudding, trifle, etc.

M: It's alright for you lot, but getting all that food ready takes a long time.

C1: Are we nearly there yet?

M: I would appreciate some help this year. All you do is eat it all - or, in some cases, drink it all.

D: Yes, yes, we'll all help out, won't we? Anything worth having has to be worked for.

J: The Real Christmas was a gift.

D: Ah yes, Gifts! Presents!

(Children all shout out what they want) Bicycle, CD player, etc.

D: Yes, but remember you have to give to others, find out what they want.

M: I'd like …

C2: What about you, Dad?

D: Oh, I don't know, what could you afford?

C1: Mum. What does Dad want?

M: A sense of direction I think. I'm sure we've been past here before.

D: Well, you're navigating! So much for your trusty atlas!

M: Oh, blame me. So much for your new SatNav!

D: Well, with all this chattering I can't hear what it says. Keep quiet all of you. Let me concentrate. Nobody say anything till we get there.

[long silent pause]

C1: Are we nearly there yet?

J: We're not even close.


Copyright Richard Heap, all rights reserved.
This script may be used without royalty payment, provided no charge is made for entrance to the performance. In return the author would like to be told of any performance. He may be contacted at