The Case of the Missing Case
By Paul Clark
Inspector Clueless is on the case, in this retelling of the parable of
the ungrateful servant.
Black case with money half out of it. Money. Gloves, black and blue. Newspaper
with headline from below. Gun. Car noises and chase music on tape. Eyeball.
(Scene: A lady struggles on stage with a large black case which has
money half sticking out from it and a big dollar sign on its side. She
puts it to one side of the stage, then tries to flag down a taxi. Car noises
can be heard.)
Lady: Taxi! Taxi!
(While she is unsuccessfully trying to call a taxi, a skin hand appears
near her case, then ducks down, then reappears with an eyeball to look
at the case, then disappears, then reappears and gives the thumbs up and
takes the case. The lady sees this and begins to scream.)
Lady: Help, help, Police, police, someone's stolen my case! Help, help!
(Enter Inspector Clue-less.)
Clueless: Ye-gads! Never fear, Inspector Clue-less is here!
Lady: Somebody just stole my case, and it had one million dollars
in it! Help me.
Clueless: Ye-gads! One million dollars! This sounds like a case for
(in a deep voice, as if he's talk about someone important) Inspector
Clue-less. (Quietly to the audience) That's me.
Lady: You're the famous Inspector Clue-less!
Clueless: (Bowing) At your service madam.
Lady: I've heard of you, you're the policeman who let the guys from
the great train robbery escape.
Clueless: What? Um, err, well they told me they were cleaning ladies,
cleaning the train.
Lady: Yes, they cleaned it out of all its money! And you tried to capture
Ned Kelly with a tin opener!
Clueless: It would have worked if he wound have kept still!
Lady: And you ....
Clueless: All right, all right, so I've made a couple of small errors,
but I'm still the greatest detective in all of puppet land!
Lady: You're the only puppet detective!
Clueless: I've got contacts all over the world, I know people in the
Mi5, FBI, CIA KGB, KFC and RSL! I will solve your case! The case of the
missing case. Now, what did this robber look like?
Lady: I didn't actually see him, all I saw was his hand.
Clueless: A hand!
Lady: Yes, it was an evil looking hand as well! It was the colour of
Clueless: Human Skin! That's disgusting! Who in the whole of puppet
land has human skin?
Lady: I don't know, but I need my one million dollars back!
Clueless: OK, you go home while I work on the case. (She leaves)
Hang on, I wonder what her name was, or where she lives? Oh well. The case
of the missing case, why it's so hard to solve. (Bad Guy appears behind
inspector Clue-less, trying to sneak out, he's holding the case!) I've
only got one clue, the bad guy had human skin on his hand. Hmm.
(When Bad Guy hears this, he looks at his hand nervously, because he
has human skin, then he drops out of site and puts on a black glove, over
the top of a blue glove so that the audience can't see, then reappears
behind Inspector Clue-less, sneaking out slowly.)
Clueless: I wonder, maybe it was a human who took the cash, Nah! Human
beings would never do that sort of thing, (to the audience) would they?
All human types are nice and never tell lies or steal things, do they?
(Suddenly he notices the Bad Guy behind him.) Hey stop! Who are you?
Bad Guy: (Stands to attention, hiding the case behind his back)
Who me, no one, I don't know anything about a stolen case with one million
dollars in it!
Clueless: What, how do you know about the stolen case?
Bad Guy: Um, Err, It's in all the papers, see. (Brings out a newspaper
with big headlines across the top 'Inspector Clue-less has no clue about
missing case'. Clue-less takes the paper and starts reading it).
Clueless: 'Inspector Clue-less has no clue about missing case. The
world's most bumbling inspector has been out smarted once again by an anonymous
master criminal who will remain nameless. This case will be remembered
with the Great Train Robbery and Ned Kelly as the worst ever by Inspector
Clue-less'. Ye Gads, who writes this stuff!
Bad Guy: I do. I um, work for the local paper. I'd better be off.
Clueless: Just a minute, your hand!
(Bad Guy gulps as he brings his hand out from behind his back with
the case in it.)
Clueless: What colour is your skin!?
Bad Guy: (Realising that Clueless hasn't seen the case he drops it
then says, showing hand) It's black.
Clueless: I'm not that dumb, I know that's a glove take it off.
(Clueless producers a gun with which to cover the bad guy, meanwhile
the bad guy looks worried and takes his glove off. To do this, the puppeteer
removes their other hand from inside Bad Guy (which is skin covered!) and
uses it to remove the black glove, but not the blue glove, then puts it
back in Bad Guy. Appropriate lines might be, 'hold on a sec', etc.)
Bad Guy: See, my skin is Blue!
Clueless: Hmmm. OK You can go.
(Bad Guy picks up the case so all can see and leaves. Clueless stands
thinking for a few moments then...)
Clueless: Hang on a sec, that was the case! Stop Thief!
(The two puppets chase each other around the set, to some exciting
chase music if available. Finally, they run into each other and Clueless
is the first to get up with the gun covering Bad Guy.)
Clueless: Ha, Har. You're under arrest young man, for stealing a case
full of money. One million dollars to be exact. You're going to jail for
a very long time!
Bad Guy: (Worried) What, who me, no, not me. I didn't know there
was money in the case, honest. I thought it was full of clothes. Yes, you
see, I'm really poor and my Grandmother was going to die of lack of designer
clothes, so I thought I could save her life by taking this case.
Clueless: (Suddenly not so sure he should arrest him, lets the gun
fall down, questioning to find the truth) Really?
Bad Guy: (Amazed that Clueless is so dumb). Yes, really, it's the honest
truth, Scouts Honour.
Clueless: (Putting the gun away, helping him up) Oh, well in
that case, I'm terribly sorry. Gee, my Grandmother was sick once, so I
know how you feel. How is she?
Bad Guy: Who?
Clueless: Your Grandmother.
Bad Guy: Oh, she died two years ago. (Oops, he's already forgotten
Clueless: That's terrible.
Bad Guy: (Suddenly realising his mistake) Yes, I um, didn't get
the clothes to her in time. Oh well, look, I'm terribly sorry about the
mix up, I do hope you'll forgive me.
Clueless: Oh yes, why of coarse, think no more about it. These things
happen. Look, I know, you give me the case and here's fifty bucks, go and
buy your dead grandmother some nice designer flowers. (Gives Bad Guy $50
and takes the case. Finds a name and address label on the case). Are here
we go, Virginia Smithe, 14 Bona Vista Avenue. (To bad Guy) I know
where that is. I'd better be off to deliver this, nice to have meet you
Bad Guy: Mr Guy, Bad Guy. (Shaking Hands)
Clueless: Yes, see you again, Bad. (Walking off, to the audience)
What a nice man. (Leaves the stage)
Bad Guy: Ha, Ha, Ha, Harr. I can't believe that that Inspector Clue-less
let me go, he surely didn't have a clue, and he even gave me fifty dollars,
what a loser. (Enter Julia, she looks very poor. Bad Guy notices Julia)
Why, hi there Julia, how are you?
Julia: Not too bad, Mr Guy, how are you?
Bad Guy: This is my lucky day. I just got fifty bucks off Inspector
Clue-less, and you owe me fifty bucks too! I'll be able to buy myself 10
big Mac's at Mickey D's and pig out! Come on, pay up!
Julia: I haven't got the money, Mr Guy, I spent it on food, my kids
and I were starving. I'm really sorry, I'll pay you back double next week.
Bad Guy: You what? You haven't got my hard earned cash! You wasted
it on food for your starving children. I'm going to have you thrown into
jail, you low down scum of the earth! Police, police.
Clueless: (Enters) You called, Inspector Clue-less at your service.
Bad Guy: (A bit uneasy) Yes Inspector, this girl here owes me
fifty bucks, and she won't pay up. Arrest her at once.
Clueless: Oh really, Mr Guy, or should I say (grabs the glove on Bad
Guys hand and pulls it off revealing, human skin) master criminal!
Bad Guy: What, who me, I didn't do it!
Clueless: Oh no? First you steal one million dollars and make up some
cock-a-manny story about your Grandmother being really poor. I did some
research, your grandmother died in a Calvin Kline suit! But I let you off
thinking, just maybe you would change your ways. But no, you see poor Julia
here and, though she only owes you fifty bucks, and has some starving children,
you demand the money you leant her, money that you stole in the first place!
Bad Guy: You can't do this to me. I'm a bad guy, and bad guys always
win in the real world.
Clueless: Not this time, (finds the fifty dollars and gives it to Julia),
Here you go Julia, I hope this helps. As for you (Grabs Bad Guy),
it's off to Jail, for a very long time.
Bad Guy: No, No, help (Crying. They both leave with only Julia left
Julia: Who was that nice man?
Clueless: (Poking his head back on stage, in an echoing voice) It was
I, Inspector Clue-less!
© Paul Clark 2002. All rights reserved. For use at not for profit
events only. You can use the drama for free but please e-mail and let me
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that I wrote it. Also I ask that if you perform this drama and it really
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