Hilda's Helpful Holiday Hints

By Debra Wehr


A cooking show has a guest who is supposed to be an expert on the holidays, but she doesn't seem to know the real meaning behind Christmas.


Sheri    California valley girl Sheri is a chef on a cooking show.
Shawn    California surfer dude Shawn is a chef on the same show.
Hilda Awlfermi    Hilda Awlfermi (All-fer-mee) is a supreme snob.
Announcer    The announcer has a monotone voice.


(The play begins with Sheri & Shawn at the counter of their cooking show.)

Sheri: Hi, and welcome to the "CLUELESS Gourmet". I'm Chef Sherry.

Shawn: And I'm, like, Chef Shawn.

Sheri: It's, like, time to begin the baking that always makes the holiday season smell so totally radical.

Shawn: Are we gonna make a pumpkin pie Sheri? I noticed that there seems to be a pumpkin on the table here. I bet that means something. Huh?

Sheri: Like, you are too smart, Shawn. But we're like going to do something even more creative. You know how totally messy pumpkin pie is? I mean, like, you just get it on your fingers, and it's mushy and kinda squishy, and your nephew, Jack drops it on the floor and it is gushy.

Shawn: Messy, Totally, Yeah, especially after I add the 3rd scoop of whip cream. Yum. Yum.

Sheri: Exactly, well, cookies are like so much neater to eat, and easier to bake too. We won't need this rolly thingy. ( She drops the rolling pin in the basket) We're going to make Pumpkin pie COOKIES.

Shawn: Radical..

Announcer: (Voice is heard from off stage) Today's Episode of the Clueless Gourmet is pleased to present, Hilda Awlfermi, author of Hilda's Helpful Holiday Hints.

Shawn: (looking around) Uh? We are?

Announcer: Yes, you are.

Shawn: Extreme.

(Hilda enters as the announcer speaks. She struts across to where Shawn and Sheri are. She is carrying a book. She sets the book on the counter facing the audience)

Sheri: Shut up. Like, Hilda Awlfermi, wow, you're like a real celebrity.

Shawn:(surfur dude drawl) So, like dude. You wrote a whole book? With like pages and everything.

Hilda: (rather snooty and selfrighteous) Oh yes. And every page has color photos to add that necessary visual. You want to leave a good impression on those you are entertaining. (bragging) My readers see how to make things exactly right.

Shawn: Awesome.

Sheri: (valley girl accent) That is like sooo sweet of you. That will make it, Like, easier for everybody to know totally what you mean.

Hilda: ( condescending tone)Dear, anything I put my name on wouldn't be anything less than perfect. When I entertain, my table is sparkling, my ice cubes gleam, my napkins are exquisitely folded and fluffed.

Shawn: Exquisitely, Yeah!

Hilda: Successful entertaining for the holidays is all about decorations and food that will show my guests what a superior hostess I am.

Sheri: (confused) It is? Wow. (Shaking her head) Like, I always thought that it was about celebrating , making people comfortable, you know : like enjoying each other's company. and having an awesome time, like hanging out.

Hilda: Of course you want your guests to have a good time.

Sheri: For sure. And, like, there is a reason why people gather together at Thanksgiving and Christmas, ya know.

Shawn: (nodding) To party, man. And give thanks.

Sheri: Ahh Yeeaah. Duh! Like we hang out and remember all the really cool and awesome stuff God has done for us. Like this totally cool show.

Shawn: God. Yeah. And Christmas is, like, that Jesus dude's birthday party.

Sheri: Fer Sure. We all celebrate Jesus because we all are, like, so much better off, than before he came.

Hilda: Oh, all of that isn't important. Here in my book it shows you the things that really count around the holidays.
* Chapter 1 "Making a good first impression"-how to decorate your front lawn, door, and foyer
* Chapter 2 "Dazzle them with décor."
* Chapter 3 "Fabulous Food"

Shawn: Hey Sheri, that's our department, huh?

Hilda: Chapter 4; "A Beautiful Hostess" - Fashion and make-up tips

Sheri: Wow, does it like tell you what colors go best with cherries Jubilee? I made that once and had like the hardest time matching my reds.

Hilda: Chapter 5 "That holiday Look" Chapter 6 "It really is all about me." Like I said, it's all in My book.

Shawn: Well, Books are important.(Uncertainly) Hey, Sheri, do you remember when you stopped reading your cookbook?

Sheri: Yeaah. But I read it all the time now. And . . .DUH . .it doesn't say anything about that kind of stuff. I mean, I just really think that it, like, talks more about pleasing your guests, and remembering God at the holidays. Hilda, are you like sure that it's all about you?

Hilda, Are you, Like, sure that it's all about you?

Shawn: Yeah, like, Hilda, this is the 1st time I met you, but I've been like totally celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas for years. (Snickers to the side.)

Hilda: Well, really. I can see my expertise in these areas is wasted on you two. ( Hilda turns and indignantly exits) Humpfh.

Sheri: It sure is. Like, I'm soooo sticking with "The Cookbook."

Shawn: Guess we told her, huh?. (Sheri, turns to Shawn they do a Hi-5". Then Shawn looks up and calls out to the air.) Hey, Announcer-type dude.

Announcer: Yes , Shawn

Shawn: Dude, You so need to check out who you bring on the show, man. That chick was like completely clueless.

Sheri: Totally. Now getting like back to my totally awesome pumpkin pie cookies . . . .(picking up the pumpkin) . . . . . . . . . .

(All freeze)


Scripture References (New International Version, NIV):
Matthew 1:21    21 "She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."
Mark 12:30    30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
John 15:17    17 This is my command: Love each other.
Matthew 18:4    4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 23:12    12 For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.


(C) Copyright Debra Wehr 2014, all rights reserved.
This script may be used without royalty payment, provided no charge is made for admission to the performance. In return the author would like to be told of any performance. She may be contacted at Debra.E.Wehr@gmail.com