Proverbs 31 woman!

By Gwyneth Bedford

Summary

When two mates meet in a pub for a sociable drink, one extolls the virtues of his wife. Obvious references to a well-known New Zealand TV commercial. An American version of this script is also available.

Scripture

Proverbs 31

Characters

Bert
Fred
Ada, Fred's wife

Script

(Scene: Two blokes propping up a bar, glass of beer in hand, very rural, dog at their feet (stuffed!) Gum boots and hats. Backdrop of south Island Ė Cardrona pub - gentle background noise of pub chat.)
Bert: (Like theyíre in mid conversation as we join them)   Iím telling you Mate, sheís an absolute gem, my Ruby.  Never been a woman like her.
Fred: Thatís the beer talking Bert.
Bert:  Nah Mate, Iím telling you sheís the best  I have full confidence in her, thereís nothing she canít handle. Best dayís work I ever did was marry that woman.
Fred: She must be to put up with you Bert.
Bert:  My lifeís never been so sweet since I married that gal. Sheís up at the crack and out and about before Iíve rolled out of bed.  Cooking or making  things.
Fred: Bet she spends all your money though.
Bert:  No, sheís a shrewd one, Fred.  I gave her her own bank account and allowance and Mate!, she went and bought some land, planted it up with vines.  She worked like a dog (No offence Shep) (TO DOG ON THE FLOOR!), and believe it or not itís now a going concern. Sheís turning a profit already.
Fred: I expect that means youíre living off take-aways ?
Bert:  Nope! Hot meal, every evening, without fail. Always inviting in waifs and strays too.  Got a heart of pure gold that woman.  Life and soul of any party. Always leaves me with a warm glow.
Fred: Thatíll be the homebrew! Wonít it Bert?
Bert:  (Laughs). Tell you the truth Fred, I donít know what Iíd do without her, I depend on her.You know sometimes I worry about the days ahead but she just laughs and has this confidence about things, she always makes me feel better.
Fred: (shivers) Bit cold in here Arthur (Barman), put another log on the fire will yer? You cold Bert?
Bert:  No, my Rubyís made me this scarlet waistcoat, beautifully warm it is. She made one for the kids as well. We all match! The Scarlet Squad they call us.
Fred: Sheís a good Ďun alright.  She good with the little Ďuns?
Bert:  They all adore her of course, bless her.
Fred: You still on the local council, Bert?
Bert:  Yes, Mate, I am and at the last council meeting the chairman actually asked me what Ruby thought of the new bypass proposal! I think heís got a soft spot for her, she must have made him some of her famous muffins.  Itís not done me any harm.  Behind every good man Ö Ah, I wouldnít swap her for all the sheep in Southland.  Still mustnít go on about her, boasting.   Howís your Ada?
(OLD HAG APPEARS AT SIDE OF STAGE, ROUGH AS..)
Ada: Fred, come and get yer supper.  Itís liver again and itíll go hard if you let it go cold and Iím not heating  it up again.
Fred: Yes dear.  Your Ruby shure sounds like a  wonderful woman.
Bert:  Yes Mate, (pause) but there is one thing Ö..
Fred: What is it, mate?
Bert:  She doesnít drink Speights, mate.
Fred: (amazed) Doesnít drink Speights! (big pause) Sure is a hard road to find the perfect woman.
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Copyright June 2001 Gwyneth Bedford, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed without payment, provided no charge is made for entry. In return, the author would appreciate being notified of any performance. She may be contacted at: ukbedfords@xtra.co.nz