Proverbs 31 woman!
By Gwyneth Bedford
When two mates meet in a pub for a sociable drink, one extolls the virtues
of his wife. Obvious references to a well-known New Zealand TV commercial.
An American version of this script is also available.
Ada, Fred's wife
(Scene: Two blokes propping up a bar, glass of beer in hand, very rural,
dog at their feet (stuffed!) Gum boots and hats. Backdrop of south Island
– Cardrona pub - gentle background noise of pub chat.)
Bert: (Like they’re in mid conversation as we join them)
I’m telling you Mate, she’s an absolute gem, my Ruby. Never been
a woman like her.
Fred: That’s the beer talking Bert.
Bert: Nah Mate, I’m telling you she’s the best I have full
confidence in her, there’s nothing she can’t handle. Best day’s work I
ever did was marry that woman.
Fred: She must be to put up with you Bert.
Bert: My life’s never been so sweet since I married that gal.
She’s up at the crack and out and about before I’ve rolled out of bed.
Cooking or making things.
Fred: Bet she spends all your money though.
Bert: No, she’s a shrewd one, Fred. I gave her her own
bank account and allowance and Mate!, she went and bought some land, planted
it up with vines. She worked like a dog (No offence Shep) (TO DOG
ON THE FLOOR!), and believe it or not it’s now a going concern. She’s turning
a profit already.
Fred: I expect that means you’re living off take-aways ?
Bert: Nope! Hot meal, every evening, without fail. Always inviting
in waifs and strays too. Got a heart of pure gold that woman.
Life and soul of any party. Always leaves me with a warm glow.
Fred: That’ll be the homebrew! Won’t it Bert?
Bert: (Laughs). Tell you the truth Fred, I don’t know what I’d
do without her, I depend on her.You know sometimes I worry about the days
ahead but she just laughs and has this confidence about things, she always
makes me feel better.
Fred: (shivers) Bit cold in here Arthur (Barman), put another log on
the fire will yer? You cold Bert?
Bert: No, my Ruby’s made me this scarlet waistcoat, beautifully
warm it is. She made one for the kids as well. We all match! The Scarlet
Squad they call us.
Fred: She’s a good ‘un alright. She good with the little ‘uns?
Bert: They all adore her of course, bless her.
Fred: You still on the local council, Bert?
Bert: Yes, Mate, I am and at the last council meeting the chairman
actually asked me what Ruby thought of the new bypass proposal! I think
he’s got a soft spot for her, she must have made him some of her famous
muffins. It’s not done me any harm. Behind every good man …
Ah, I wouldn’t swap her for all the sheep in Southland. Still mustn’t
go on about her, boasting. How’s your Ada?
(OLD HAG APPEARS AT SIDE OF STAGE, ROUGH AS..)
Ada: Fred, come and get yer supper. It’s liver again and it’ll
go hard if you let it go cold and I’m not heating it up again.
Fred: Yes dear. Your Ruby shure sounds like a wonderful
Bert: Yes Mate, (pause) but there is one thing …..
Fred: What is it, mate?
Bert: She doesn’t drink Speights, mate.
Fred: (amazed) Doesn’t drink Speights! (big pause) Sure is a hard road
to find the perfect woman.
Copyright June 2001 Gwyneth Bedford, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed without payment, provided no charge is made
for entry. In return, the author would appreciate being notified of any
performance. She may be contacted at: firstname.lastname@example.org