By Andy Lund
The parable of the lost child set in the Wild West (with a slight change of gender).
1: Once upon a time in the days when the west was won...
2: And a girl's best friend was her horse...
1. There was a rancher lady by the name of Annie...
2: Annie dream will do
1: And she had two fine upstanding daughters..
2: Well, one was upstanding...
1: Yep, the other one kinda liked the juice a little.
2: And their names were Faithful and Calamity.
1: One day the younger daughter, Calamity, came to her ma, Annie, and said:
2: Ma, I'm tired of working on this ol' ranch with you and livin' on black eyed peas..
1: Whatever they are...
2:And I don't wanna be a rancher. I don't wanna live in this ol' dusty place all the time and I wanna be summit.
1: Well you are summit, Calamity...
2: Yeah, bit I wanna be summit else.
1: Well you are summit else again.
2: But I want ... money. Loads and loads of money. I wanna be somebody.
1: Oh, Calamity, I loves you just the way you is.
2: Well...well... I wish you was dead!
2:So's I could inherit all that loot you got stashed away under the verandah floorboard for a rainy day.
1: But, Calamity, that's for you, for one rainy day.
2: Ma, it don't hardly ever rain round these parts. I needs that money. I wanna go out into the big wide world and make my way with the other gals...
1: So rancher Annie divided up her money between Faithful and Calamity. Faithful said:
2: Thank you, ma
1: And went back to work.
2: But Calamity said:
1: Yeehah! Now I've got some money of my own I can go and make my way in the world. And she packed her bags, packed her toothbrush, packed her pistol and went...
2: To the local saloon where she bought everybody a drink.
1: She soon had lots of friends (Point to half of audience, who could be briefed before hand to act in drunken and disreputable manner)
2: When she got bored with the local saloon, she headed off for Sin City - the meanest, drinkinest, fightinest, shootinest town in the whole Wild West. (Other half of audience indicated)
1: And for a while Calamity was the meanest, drinkinest, fightinest gal in the whole town... until she'd blown all her money on good times and gamblin'.
2: She was worn-out, hung-over..
1: And broke as a skunk.
2: Suddenly, none of her cow girl friends was there...
1: They were being bought drinks at some other saloon
SFX: (Honky tonk piano)
2: So she got herself a job at the biggest ranch in town - the Lucky Rasher.
1: But times were hard and the only job they had for her was feeding...
2: The pigs.
1: Which is a bit of a come down for a cowgirl...
2: Snout like it.
1: Will you stop hamming it up!
2: OK... well, Calamity fed the porkers...
1: She lived with the porkers...
2: She slept with the porkers...
1: And pretty soon she smelt like one of the porkers.
2: mmm nice - Chanel number 256.
1: What's more, the pay wasn't real nice either. She could barely afford to eat.
2: She's gotten so low she could quite taken to eatin' some of that there pig swill.
1: 'cept she smelt so bad that those darn gon' porkers wouldn't let her come within a lassoo's length of them.
2: Then! She came to her senses.
1: 'Bout time. if you asks me.
2: She says to herself: Now lookee here. What am I a doing of. The other girls on ma's ranch has a whole lot more to eat than I do. Even the assistant to the servant of the gal who swills out the pig bucket is better off than me. I know just what I'm gonna do. I'm going back to my ma and I'm gonna say, "Ma, I've been dumb. I shouldn't figure you wants me as your daughter no more but if I was a real good girl from now on, would you give me a job?
1: So she got up. Said goodbye to Ham, Greenback and Gammon, the pigs...
2: And headed off for home.
1: She was just kinda practising her speech and getting close to her home ranch when her ma sees her coming from a distance. And she runs out to meet her, slings her arms round her - even though she smelt riper than a rotten pile of horsesh... horseradish.
2: But Calamity gives her prepared speech: Ma, I've been a dumb stupid idiot and I don't reckon you'll want me back as a daughter but would you give me a job?
1: But ma says: Nope.
1: Yep, nope. I won't give you a job, but I will welcome you back as my daughter, and tonight we'll have the biggest, noisiest, funnest party this ol' town has ever seen. 'Cos you's been dead and now you're back to life. You was lost and now I've found you. Halleloojah!
1: Just one thing, Calamity, you could do for me afore the party starts...
2: Yeh, ma, anything.
1: Go into the house and have yourself a real, good, long bath, will ya?
© Andy Lund 1999
All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged.
In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed.
He may be contacted at: firstname.lastname@example.org