Written by Paul E. Russell
A modernisation and humorous look at the David and Goliath story, commentated as for a current-day boxing match. Welcome to Fight Night; the biggest fight in history is now telecast live on pay for view.
1 Samuel Ch 17
This skit can be done with just a Narrator, or with the aid of two mimes.
(A single figure stands on the stage dressed in a tuxedo or suit with a bow tie.)
Announcer: Hello Ladies and Gentleman, Israelites and Philistines, Caesar's Bistro, home of the all-you-can-eat salad bar, is proud to present FIGHT NIGHT!! Tonight promises to be a bloody confrontation, with our favourite Champion of Champions here to defend his title. Please remember that flash photography is prohibited during the bout and patrons should wait until tomorrow's paper or visit the Israelites next of kin for a photograph. Can I also ask patrons to please switch off any mobile phones or pagers for the duration of the bout. Don't worry Sir, I am sure it will be a quick one.
Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the champ is here, the champ is here. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my extreme pleasure to present to you, sponsored by Pharaohs Cheeses, the tastiest cheese in your icebox, undisputed champion of the free'ish world. Weighing in at 165kg and 2.1 metres tall, the unbeaten heavy, middle and bantam weight champion and tonight in the red trunks, The Philistine Champion, The Israelite killer, GOLIATH.
Now, Ladies and gentlemen (giggle, giggle) for the challenger (laugh). Some call him brave but most call him stupid. The man without a helmet, armour or gloves because he is too tough… and way too small. Weighing in at 56kg when fully clothed and wet and 145 cm when on his tip-toes, in the green trunks, the Israeli mouse, Deadly (giggle) David.
Now gentlemen, I expect this to be a gruesome and deadly fight. There are no rules, but please remember there are ladies present, so no eye gauging and no wedgies. At the sound of the first bell the fight will begin, it will not finish until the Israeli, oops I mean, until one man has been defeated and is unconscious and preferably bleeding on the canvas.
(walks off stage, rings a bell, waits five seconds and returns)
Announcer: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 ,10 (bell rings wildly)
Quickly someone call a doctor. (looks over his shoulder) Cancel that, you don't need to be quick, but you need to call a coroner. You saw it here first, Ladies and gentlemen, the upset of the century. Pharaohs Cheese has a new champion. In one of the quickest bouts ever seen in this fine establishment, Goliath has been put down for the count. There will be a lot of questions asked by Goliath's management team here this evening. The decision not to wear a helmet through fear of hat hair in the victory photos may have cost Goliath dearly this evening.
David, a few words for the people. David, just a few words. David, please David. How does it feel to be the champion of the world? I am sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we have just heard that David will not be giving us an interview (places hand to ear as though he is getting told by producers), as he has to get back to his. .. his what . . David will not be talking, as apparently he has to get back to his sheep. You heard it first here ladies and gentlemen, the champion of the world an animal rights activist. Please come back next week when we have Samson, the strongest man in the world taking on a woman. Another quick one, I'm sure.
This has been Steve Stevenson for Caesar's Bistro and Pharaohs Cheese, signing off until next week.
This is a Paul E. Russell script. Please notify him by email if you choose to produce this skit. His address is firstname.lastname@example.org . The writer would also appreciate any feedback and photographs of the production.