By Paul E. Russell
A humorous look inside the office of a doctor feeling the financial pinch as Jesus heals the sick for free.
Matthew 8: 1-17, Mark Ch 1 & 2, Luke 5: 12-26
(The Doctor is pacing back and forth looking worried and to the left and right of the stage. A patient enters carrying an envelope.)
Doctor: Sir, sir, good morning, good morning, come in, come in. Welcome, please have a seat, it is so nice to see you.
Patient: Huh (follows doctor and has a seat) um. . . sorry . . . good morning
Doctor: Good morning. Now what seems to be the problem?
Patient: What problem?
Doctor: What brings you to this doctor's surgery this morning?
Patient: Surgery!? Oh sorry. I was looking for the post office (stands to leave)
Doctor: SIT DOWN! Sorry, I mean please sit down, there must be something I can help you with.
Patient: I don't think so, I actually feel quite good.
Doctor: Are you sure? I don't mind, I can perform almost any operation. I can do it right here and now and I always charge a reasonable rate.
Patient: I am sorry, but nothing is wrong.
Doctor: Come on sir, surely something is wrong.
Patient: Well… I did get a splinter in my finger this morning.
Doctor: Excellent… (smiles and pulls saw from under the desk) amputation. Do you have any idea how long it has been since I have performed a good amputation?
Patient: Sorry Doc, but my wife has already taken the splinter out this morning with a sewing needle.
Doctor: Oh (sad) yeah. I have heard that you can also do it that way.
Patient: Do you know where the post office is?
Doctor: Yeah, it's just down the road. (half lifts his hand) Are you sure there is no history of any diseases in your family that I can check you for. You know the earlier you catch some of those the better your chances are.
Patient: Nope. Mum and dad are both pretty healthy. Although dad did have a bit of a cough last week.
Doctor: A cough! A cough! Ooh, he better come and have that looked at, could be lung cancer you know. Does he smoke? Removing a lung isn't as hard as it sounds it can sometimes be a little difficult breathing after the operation but . . .
Patient: No doc, he doesn't smoke, he is a lama herder and he swallowed a fly and he tried to cough it out. Didn't work, though… the little sucker went right on down (chuckles).
Doctor: No broken bones or cuts, I suppose?
Doctor: No re-occurring illness either.
Doctor: Not even a cold or the flu.
Patient: Sorry, fit as a fiddle.
Doctor: I bet you have never been sick a day in your life.
Patient: Well I wouldn't say that.
Doctor: No? (excitedly)
Patient: You see, I was suffering from leprosy…
Doctor: Really? (smiles) That's an incurable disease you know, please go on.
Patient: Well, you know how it works. I had to leave my family, quit my job and go and live out of town in one of those tents.
Doctor: First thing we need to do is cut off all of the infected parts (picks up saw again smiling).
Patient: You know the pain of leprosy is pretty bad. and it's really hard to sleep. but you get used to it. It is the isolation that really hurts. Unclean, unclean… every time anyone comes near you, people shield their eyes and run away.
Doctor: After we cut them we need to burn the rest away. If we cross our fingers after you heal from the burns you will be cured.
Patient: Oh I'm sorry Doc, I didn't mean to give the wrong impression, I am already cured.
Doctor: What!! How? An incurable disease is just that, incurable. Only after you have paid for countless appointments and paid extra for specialists and extra for bandages can we even hope to give up on an incurable disease.
Patient: You see, I was at the colony when this guy came past . . .
Doctor: Stop, you don't need to continue, I have heard this before. Jesus, right?
Patient: Yeah, how did you know?
Doctor: Just reached out and touched you, right?
Patient: Just reached out and I was whole again.
Doctor: You don't have to tell me. Lame people are walking again, the blind can see. No-one needs a doctor's help any more. What about me, what about my needs? I have a family to support and a HEC's debt as long as my arm. If there isn't any serious illness around, how do I make a living
Patient: I am very sorry, I stubbed my toe the other day, it doesn't hurt anymore but it might be broken. You can amputate that if you want to.
Doctor: (smiles and half picks up saw) No, it's okay, I understand (starts to sob) I do wish people had more faith that I was going to heal them, though.
Patient: Oh, I didn't think he was going to cure me.
Doctor: Really, what did you think?
Patient: I didn't care, I just wanted someone to talk to, someone to reach out and touch me once more before I died.
Doctor: Was it easy to believe in him after he cured you?
Patient: No, it was easy to believe in him before he cured me. Forgiveness was a far greater gift.
Doctor: What's in the envelope
Patient: A letter to my mother telling her I'm coming home.
Doctor: Post office is two doors down that way.
Patient: Thank you.
Doctor: No worries.
(Patient walks off stage, Doctor puts a sign on his table that says 'closed' and walks off the other direction)
This is a Paul E. Russell script. Please notify him by email if you choose to produce this skit. His address is email@example.com . The writer would also appreciate any feedback and photographs of the production.