Cod Sturgeon (based on Rod Sterling from the Twilight Zone)
Jonah... the Biblical dude swallowed by a whale
Two stage hands (non-speaking)
(Jonah is in the background knotting fishing line with a lure.)
Voice off: There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area we call the Ambiguity Zone.
(Sound FX: Twilight Zone Theme)
Cod Sturgeon: (comes forward, clasps hands behind back) Itís an ordinary day in any ordinary town, with an ordinary man named Jonah going about his ordinary business. He put on his ordinary pants one leg at a time ó
Jonah: (Clearing throat) Ahhh Hemmm (Cod turns around and Jonah gestures at his toga. Cod turns back)
Cod: Errrr.... he puts on his toga one leg at a time ó wait a minute.... A toga?
Jonah: There was a slight accident in costuming. This was all they could find on short notice.
Cod: Oh... (Back to audience) Where was I? Oh yes... An ordinary man, beset by extraordinary circumstances... in... The Ambiguity Zone. (Steps back so focus is on Jonah)
Jonah: Alrighty then. Iíve got my waders, my fishing pole, my tackle box, and my bait bucket. Looks like Iím ready. Iím going to catch the biggest fish of my life! (Begins to walk off stage with his fishing gear)
Angel: (walks on stage. She is studying a piece of paper and looking around as if in confusion) Excuse me...
Angel: Do you know where I might find a Mr. Jonah.... Jonah, son of Amittai?
Jonah: Iím Jonah... Son of Amittai. And who might you be.
Angel: Ah Hem. (Stands up straight and tall) I am an angel of the Lord.
Jonah: (Looks at angel in disbelief) You?! Yeah right.
Jonah: You donít look like any angel to me.
Angel: What do you mean?
Jonah: Like, duh! Where are your wings.
Angel: Like, duh! What urban legend did you receive in your e-mail! Angels donít have wings.
Jonah: They donít?
Jonah: Oh. Well then. Why are you here?
Angel: I have a word for you from the Lord.
Jonah: Oh cool! Iíve waited for the Lord to speak to me all my life. What wonderful things does our Almighty God have to say to his loyal servant, Jonah? Oh this is great, this is marvelous ó
Angel: (Pulls paper from purse) Ah Hem... The Lord has asked me to say to you.... "Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry out against it; for their wickedness has come up before Me."
Jonah: This is horrible! (Beat) Are you sure thatís what it says?
Angel: Uh huh. See. (shows paper to Jonah).
Jonah: Okay, well then. See you later.
Angel: See you later?!
Jonah: You donít actually think Iím going to Nineveh, do you? Those people are murderers, despoilers of the innocent, they have no conscience whatsoever! Why... I hear they squeeze their toothpaste from the middle of the tube! Iíll betcha they put their toilet paper on the roller over instead of under!
Angel: Oh my!
(Jonah starts to leave.)
Angel: But Jonah. God told you to go.
Jonah: Sorry. I didnít sign up for this.
Angel: But Nineveh must hear Godís message.
Jonah: Well then. I hope they have good ears because Iím going about 100 miles in the other direction. (Exits stage)
(Angel shrugs and takes a seat on the stool. Pulls fingernail polish from purse and begins to do nails.)
Cod Sturgeon: An ordinary man, receiving a message from beyond. A man who dares to defy the message and go his own way. A man who jumps on a ship with the intention of hiding from this inexplicable presence. A man who...
Angel: Good grief! Just tell the story will ya?!
Cod: Oh... yes... of course. A man who is thrown over the side of the ship by his fellow shipmates.
Jonah: (stumbles on stage stepping into kiddy pool, stage hand comes out dumps bucket of water on Jonah. Jonah shakes fist back at ship) Iím reporting you to the Better Business Bureau! I paid good money for this cruise, you know! (Turns to Cod) Okay, what happens next.
Cod: You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination - Next stop, the Ambiguity Zone!
Sound FX: Jaws Theme.
Jonah: Oh Oooooo ... (Turns to stage right, gets sucked off stage)
Cod: An ordinary man, swallowed by a most extraordinary fish.
Jonah: (screams from off stage, then staggers onto stage.)
Angel: (still doing nails) About time you showed up.
Jonah: What are you doing here. Uhhhh. What is that awful smell!?
Angel: (looks up) I beg your pardon?
Jonah: Ewwwww. Decaying fish.
Angel: (Puts away bottle of nail polish) Actually, it is digesting fish.
Jonah: What happened?
Angel: You were swallowed by a great fish.
Jonah: A whale?
Angel: If you want to call it that.
Jonah: This is horrible! How could you do this to me!
Angel: Me!? Iím just the messenger. And let me tell you Iím no happier to be here than you! All of this humidity and fish guts is kinking my hair!
Jonah: Like I care.
Angel: Look buster, youíd better not make me angry. You wouldnít like me when Iím angry.
Jonah: Okay, okay. But I certainly canít imagine anything worse than this. What do I do now?
Angel: Why donít you try praying, you moron.
Jonah: Prayer? Do you think God will help me after I disobeyed him.
Angel: Iíd certainly ask for help, if I were you. Iím not sure Iíd like the alternative. You ever been through the digestive system of a great fish?
Jonah: Ohhhhh. Umm... Okay. Iíll pray. (Pause, look up) H E L P!!!!!!!
Jonah: Okay. I prayed. What happens now?
Angel: Do I look like the narrator?
(Jonah and Angel look at Cod)
Cod: (turns to audience) The great fish puked Jonah up on the beach.
Jonah: Hold it. Hold it! Time out? (Makes football time out sign with hands) What did he just say!?
Angel: I think he just said you are going to be puked up on the beach.
Jonah: Wait a minute. There is nothing in my contract that mentions ANYTHING about being puked up on a beach. Iíve had enough of this nonsense. I have rights you know. If you want me, Iíll be in my trailer. (Exits stage)
Angel looks at Cod and shrugs.
Cod: (turns to audience) As I was saying, this ordinary man was puked up on a very ordinary beach.
(Jonah stumbles out on stage stepping into kiddy pool. Stage hand comes out and dumps green slime on Jonah. Another stage hand comes out and drapes seaweed around Jonahís shoulders.)
(Angel gets up off of stool and walks toward Jonah.)
Jonah: You again! You are like a bad penny!
Angel: Go ahead. Keep blaming everything on me. Didnít I show you how to get out of the belly of that great fish?
Jonah: Oh, thank you. (Gestures at slimy clothes) Let me kiss your feet.
Angel: Well, donít just stand there. We have more work to do.
Jonah: Work! I was nearly digested by a fish!
Angel: Nineveh is just over that hill.
Jonah: Alright, all right, Iím going
Angel: Ummmm. I think you should wait.
Jonah: Why! What does God have in store for me next? Huh? Lightning? An earthquake? Oh, I know, I know. A gigantic meteor will fall out of the sky and crushed me like an ant!
Angel: Actually... I think you need to take a bath first. No one is going to listen to you, smelling like that!
(Angel and Jonah freeze)
Cod: This highway leads to the shadowy tip of reality: you're on a through route to the land of the different, the bizarre, the unexplainable...Go as far as you like on this road. Its limits are only those of mind itself. Ladies and Gentlemen, you're entering the wondrous dimension of imagination. Next stop....The Ambiguity Zone.
Sound FX: Twilight Zone Theme
© Copyright Christin J. Kuck 2000. All rights reserved. This script
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"Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission."
PERFORMANCE LICENCE No performance is permitted unless a copy of the script is licensed to at least one member of the cast OR licensed to the drama group, theatre company or organization performing the sketch. License can be obtained by forwarding a check made out to Christin Kuck in the amount of $5.00 US to 13341 86th Avenue, Seminole, FL 33776. An original licensed hard copy will be mailed upon receipt of check. Christin Kuck can be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org