Written by Paul E. Russell
Robert and Rudy, two unicorns left behind by Noah and the ark, question how they found themself in this nasty predicament.
Genesis Ch 6 - 9
Ruby & Robert - Two unicorns.
(Two actors stand on a stage with normal clothes and an elastic cone tied to their forehead.)
Ruby: (To audience) Fine, leave, see if we care, run away we don't mind. (To Robert) I didn't mean to spike Shem, really I didn't, it was an accident.
Robert: I think it was a bigger problem that you laughed after it happened.
Ruby: I was laughing because he dropped the piglets. You know how hard they are to pick up.
Robert: I would if I had thumbs, I'm a unicorn, remember? I think since you didn't begin laughing until Shem fell head first into the trough, it gave him the idea that you were laughing at him.
Ruby: It did look pretty funny. But you didn't have to spike holes in the door.
Robert: Me? ME!
Ruby: Was it or was it not your horn that went through the wall of the ark?
Robert: Yes, but that was because you pointed at me when Ham came to see what all the noise was about and he found Shem upside down in pig food.
Ruby: He probably still shouldn't have thrown you against the wall.
Robert: Ruby, he was throwing me out of the ark to make a decision, it was you that flung the door closed (rubs horn).
Ruby: Oh yeah, sorry about that. On a plus side, think about it: no horses, no zebras. Think of all that good grazing land.
Robert: Are you stark raving mad.
Robert: The rain, the flood, the Earth reborn, heavens opening and all of that.
Ruby: Oh yeah, bummer.
Robert: You've really blown it this time. I thought it couldn't get any worse then the time you told that farmer that horses had gold in their hooves.
Ruby: Boris didn't like that one did he.
Robert: Because every farmer in the county was trying to cut off his feet.
Ruby: (laughs) Yeah… what ever happened to Boris? Remember when I painted cow spots on him when he was asleep?
Robert: Ruby, he is on the ark
Ruby: Hey Robert, at least we won't go thirsty, all that fresh water around.
Robert: Thirsty, thirsty! Ruby, the entire world is going to be engulfed with water and every creature outside the ark will be no more. The Earth will be washed away under a tremendous flood. The only ones who will survive are aboard that ark, and thanks to you we are no longer invited.
Ruby: Robert, you are going to love me so much! I have an idea!
Robert: I can't wait.
Ruby: We cover up our horns and pretend we are horses. Everyone loves horses - they have gold in their hooves
Robert: Boris and Doris are already on the ark
Ruby: Or how about we paint on some black stripes and say we are a rare form of Zebra.
Robert: I'm the last male unicorn and I am left with an idiot for a mate. The holes in the door have been fixed, the door is closed and all of the animals are on board.
Ruby: Okay, okay, no need to get testy. I have it! I am brilliant, we build our own ark.
Robert: Great idea. Which one of your hooves can hold a saw?
Ruby: (looks at hands) Maybe I could eat through a couple of logs.
Robert: And maybe you could tie them together with your tail.
Ruby: Yeah, I could . . . hey . . . how could I do that . . . if you can't offer any helpful advice then keep quiet . . . When do you think it will start raining?
Robert: (Mumbles with lips closed)
Ruby: Oh don't be daft.
Robert: Time to walk off into the sunset.
Ruby: Isn't that horses. I felt a drop, Robert I think I felt a drop, AHHHHHH.
Robert: No, that was just you spitting when you talked.
Ruby: Robert, can unicorns swim.
Robert: I guess we'll know soon enough.
Ruby: Sorry, about the whole door in the horn thing.
Ruby: Sorry about telling Borris it was you that told the farmer he was golden.
Robert: You what!?
Ruby: Oh. . .he didn't tell you . . . I mean I . . . um . . how about this weather . . looks like rain hey. . . (runs off stage with Robert running after).
This is a Paul E. Russell script. Please notify him by email if you choose to produce this skit. His address is firstname.lastname@example.org . The writer would also appreciate any feedback and photographs of the production.