Proverbs 31 woman!
By Gwyneth Bedford, adapted by Glenn A. Hascall
Two friends meet in a western saloon for a sociable drink. Bert demonstrates
extolls the virtues of his wife, while Fred finds it hard to believe that
Ruby could really be as wonderful as he describes her.
Ada, Fred's wife
Arthur (saloon hand/bar keep)
(SCENE: Two cowboys' belly-ing up to the bar, each has a glass in
hand, very rural, dog at their feet (stuffed!) Cowboy boots and hats. Backdrop
of American Southwest - Gentle background noise of saloon chat.)
BERT: (Like they're in mid conversation as we join them)
I'm telling you, she's an absolute gem, my Ruby. Never was a woman
FRED: That's the beer talking, Bert.
BERT: I don't think so, Fred, I'm sworn to the solid use of Sarsaparilla.
Don't trust my horse to get me home. (Chuckles)
FRED: So, she's good as gold, eh?
BERT: Wouldn't go that far, Bert. I just told you I didn't trust
her to get me home.
FRED: (Exasperated) Not the horse, Bert - your wife.
BERT: Oh, well that's different. Ruby's the best. I have
full confidence in her, there's nothing she doesn't seem to be able to
handle. Best day's work I ever did was marrying that woman.
FRED: And she puts up with you?
BERT: (Defensive) Them is fightin' words, Fred.
FRED: Hold them horses, Bert. Just a friendly jab.
BERT: (Settles back and relaxes a bit before continuing) My life's
never been so sweet since I married that gal. She's up at the crack of
dawn,cracking eggs before I've even rolled out of bed. Talk about
FRED: What does that mean?
BERT: Handy, You know - useful, helpful, practical, clever, versatile
FRED: (Frustrated) I KNOW what "handy" means, I was asking what
it is that she does that is so handy, Bert.
BERT: All in good time, my friend. All in good time. (Sips on
his Root Beer).
FRED: Bet she spends all your money though.
BERT: No, she's a shrewd one, Fred. I gave her her own
bank account and let me tell you, Partner, she went and bought some land,
just north of our North 40 and planted some of them exotic varieties of
vegetables. She works like a dog (Looks at the stuffed dog on the
floor) No offence, Shep (Looks back at Fred), and believe it or not, it's
now a going concern. She's
turning a profit already. The General Store can't get enough of the
Egg Plant and Ochre.
FRED: I wouldn't think those kinds of vegetables would grow here.
BERT: See what I mean, she's amazing!
FRED: I expect that means you're living at the local diner these
BERT: Nope! Hot meal, every evening, without fail. Always inviting
in strays too. Got a heart of pure gold, that woman. Always leaves me with
a warm glow.
FRED: That'd be the homebrew, right, Bert?
BERT: (As Bert describes the following, Fred begins to look as
if he is being hurt) No, that'd be the pot roast, spring potatoes and sweet
corn casserole. Topped off with a generous slice of fresh baked Apple pie
and homemade ice cream (Laughs). Tell you the truth Fred, I don't know
what I'd do without her, she's just so dependable. You know, sometimes
I worry about tomorrow, next week - or even next month, but she just laughs
and has this confidence about her, she always makes me feel better.
FRED: (Shivers as he startles back to reality) Uh, bit cold in
here, Arthur. (Bar keep), put another log on the fire will ya'? (Pause)
You cold, Bert?
BERT: No, my Ruby made me this scarlet sweater - talk about warm!
She made one for the kids as well. We all match! The Scarlet Squad they
call us down to the church.
FRED: She's a good 'un alright. Is she good with the young'uns?
BERT: They all adore her - and with good reason.
FRED: You still on the local council, Bert?
BERT: Yes sir, I am and at the last village meeting the Mayor
actually asked me what Ruby thought of the new bypass proposal!
FRED: What do we need a bypass for?
BERT: When we get a rogue cattle stampede coming through town,
you'll be grateful for a bypass.
FRED: I hadn't thought of that.
BERT: I think the Mayor's got a soft spot for her, she must have
made him some of her famous Honey-Nut Apple Muffins.
FRED: You gotta stop that.
BERT: What did I do?
FRED: You keep talking like that and I'm gonna start drooling
all over the counter. And you know how Arthur (point at the bar keep) feels
BERT: Sorry, Fred (Reaches for a hankie). Here let me help (Chuckles).
FRED: (Swats the hankie away) Cut that out would ya? (Arthur
looks over with a tough look on his face - the next statement said to Arthur)
BERT: (They both get settled down again) What were we talking
FRED: (Said almost reverently) Ruby.
BERT: That's right! What's that old saying.Behind every good
man ..Ah, I wouldn't swap her for all of Curly Joe's sheep.
FRED: Neither would I - they stink to high heaven.
(OLD WOMAN APPEARS AT SIDE OF STAGE, ROUGH AS CAN BE)
ADA: Fred, come and get yer supper. It's liver and onions
again and it'll go hard if you let it go cold and I'm not heating it up
again. YA' HEAR?
FRED: Yes dear. I think we all heard.
ARTHUR: I know I heard.
ADA: (To Fred) Get a move on, will ya? (To the remaining saloon
patrons) The rest of ya' shut yer yap (Turns to leave as everyone in the
saloon laughs even harder, then settles down again).
FRED: (Looks back at Bert as he is leaving) Your Ruby sure sounds
like a wonderful woman.
BERT: You got that right, (pause) but there is one thing ...
FRED: What's that?
BERT: She doesn't drink Sarsaparilla.
FRED: (Amazed) Doesn't drink Sarsaparilla! (Big pause) Sure is
a hard to find the perfect woman.
Fade to Black
Copyright June 2001, Gwyneth Bedford
adapted by Glenn A. Hascall, August 2002. Should you use this script,
would you be so kind as to let us know?
Gwyneth Bedford email@example.com
Glenn A. Hascall firstacts@ILoveJesus.net