Sacred Writings Clearing House

By David Ian


A book clearing house must unload all of its pop religious texts in order to make room for the new beliefs and their "revelation literature".


I Timothy 1:3-7




(SCENE: SALESMAN is standing CS behind a table which has books strewn about in great stacks, with tapes scattered about as well. His delivery is frantic, as if he were locked in a burning building and he is attempting to convince his audience to open the door)

SALESMAN: Having trouble reading through the Bible in a year? Getting bogged down reading who begat whom, and how many were of the tribe of what? Try our new Victor's Compact Bible. We've cut out all the superfluous material that is outdated or irrelevent to the modern day believer. It allows maximum impact for your Bible study-time.

Skim through our three days of creation, read about the exciting Egyptian exodus led by Abraham, and wonder as the five commmandments are revealed by Solomon at the dedication of the temple!

Meditate over the top ten psalms, and read about the fascinating story of that dynamic duo, Jeremiah and Isaiah as they lead the exiled Israel back to Roman Judea!

VOICE OVER: Victor's Condensed Bible!

SALESMAN: Now peruse the New Testament Gospel Medley as Jesus teaches the "Fab Four" disciples John, Paul, Matthew and Ringo, and sends them to the ends of the earth to spread the Revelation!

VOICE OVER: Sacred Writings Clearing House!

SALESMAN: Choose from our wide variety of books at bargain basement prices. Get our latest close-out book, "Numerology and the Bible." Seven different systems for getting lottery numbers from the Bible. Yes sir, make sure your lottery numbers are scriptural with this new guide priced like yesterday's newspaper! Complete blackjack system and roulette listings cross indexed with the book of Numbers guarantee you get divine inspiration!

VOICE OVER: Everything must go!

SALESMAN: Or try our old standby: Revelation Publishers presents "Here Comes the Bridegroom", a complete listing of the dates and times, past, present and future, assigned to the second coming. "No man may know the day" they say, but by our count, that doesn't keep them from trying!

VOICE OVER: Revelation Publishers!

SALESMAN: Or for heavier reading, get Revelation Publisher's four volume set "The Mark of the Beast and the Man", A documented tome of all the people throughout history reputed to be or assigned to that infamous number 666.

VOICE OVER: Priced like there is no tomorrow!

SALESMAN: Find in our alternative section, the sacred writings of the lost prophet "Dirk", and his stupendous insight into spirituality, fly fishing, and stamp collecting. OR! Performance artist "Yeb" presents a commentary on her Live Scripture series, combining yoga, acupucture and trapeze mime.

VOICE OVER: Sacrifice sale!

SALESMAN: Choose from these classics! All priced to go! Go! Go! "An Atheist's Pantheon"; "Self-Denial for Fun and Profit"; "Choose Your Divine Revelation"; "Self-Help Start-up for the Unmotivated"; "The New Science of Astral Rejection"; "I Became the One Supreme Being--And You Can Too!"; and the enormously popular "Recordings of an Empty Mind"--655 blank pages, each crammed full of inspired meditation!


SALESMAN: Books on tape! At ridiculous cost! Get "The 57 Mantras and Cooking Recipes of Wallad Dee!" "Speed-Chanting With Harvey Duss--Ex-Auctioneer"; "The Inspired Snoring of Brother Hogan"; rejoice with the Orange Sect as they sing the "Praises of the Mystic Fruit" and hum to the ohms of the "Electrician Monks' Local 197 Chanting Assembly!"

VOICE OVER: Watt did you say?

SALESMAN: But wait! Sacred Writings Clearing House brings you this once in your lifetime offering! Act now and for a small fee you can get our free "Encyclopedia of Saviors"! Complete Listings of all those persons who offered enlightenment, complete spiritual achievement, positive energy alignment, or inner life enhancement!

VOICE OVER: Old dogmas must be cleared away for new mystic discoveries!

SALESMAN: More books! "I Was an Enlightened Badger"; "Reincarnation: On Being Your Own Grandpa"; "My Channeling for a Moronic Peasant"; "Crystal Implants--Painful Vibrations"; "You Squashed Me When I Was an Ant"; "Cheating Your Way to Moral Perfection"; "I'm God, Your God, He's Not"; "Astrology and the New Constellations"; "Telekenesis and Skydiving" by the late Ricky Skrull!

VOICE OVER: Sacred writings! Sacred writings! Sacred writings!

SALESMAN: Bumper Stickers! We're giving them away for a pittance! "Caution: Driver Meditating"; "I Owned This Car in My Previous Life, Too!"; "Philosophically Speaking, This Car Doesn't Exist"; "Just Because I Follow the Royal Rajah, Doesn't Mean That I Drive Blind, Too"; "This Car Will Come Back as a Limo"; "Honk, If You Revere Silence"; "Wanted: Royal Rajah Recruits--Fall in Behind"; "Sacred Fumes: Inhale and You'll Believe, Too";

VOICE OVER: Sacred Writings Clearing House!

SALESMAN: Buttons, bookmarks, key chains, trading cards and all sorts of memorbilia at slashed ready-to-move prices! Hallowed Water and Incense Oil Liquidation Sale! Nothing too sacred to move! No price is too low! Sacred Writings Clearing House must make room for hundreds of new inventory coming in and we pass the savings on to you!

VOICE OVER: New sales on old stock on hand!

SALESMAN: All priced to go! Ready for your home! Call us before midnight tomorrow at Sacred Writings Clearing House! Don't miss out today! (SALESMAN freezes)

VOICE OVER: (extremely fast) All items from Sacred Writings Clearing House sold for superficial spiritual needs only, void when prohibited by law. Sacred Writings Incorporated is not responsible for products sold, their end use or effect, purported or inevitable. Sacred Writings Incorporated is a division of the Floggem & Fleecem World Conglomerate.



Copyright 1997 David Ian, all rights reserved.
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